A hole in my heart

I’ve been on vacation in the Canadian Rockies with my family – my hubby, daugher, parents, brother, sister-in-law, and niece.  They were so excited to know that I was pregnant.  I had been feeling tired and queasy but tried to plug along.

Early in the evening on August 1, my sister-in-law and I were giving the kids a bath, and I felt a trickle.  Deep in my heart I knew the worst, but I tried to remain calm.  I went to another room and checked, and unfortunately my miscarriage had begun.  The worst was yet to come.  I endured a painful van ride in rural Alberta on the way to visit family.

My husband & I have only just returned home.  I think I feel worse about this loss (if that’s even possible) now that I’m home.  Pregnancy books everywhere . . . a couple of friends know that have to be told . . . the pregnancy info packet from my OB that I no longer need . . . everything here reminds me that I’m no longer pregnant.  And then there’s another facet – it’s as if it never happened.

But it did happen.  We were so excited and happy.  I knew I was pregnant within days of conceiving.  I began my research.  I scheduled an appointment for an 8-week check-up.  I made a t-shirt for my daughter.  We started making plans.

Sure we knew that miscarriage was a possibility.  But I convinced myself that I wasn’t going to torture myself like I did last time.  The fear of miscarriage hung over my head the entire 1st trimester of my first successful pregnancy.  So, I let go and tried to enjoy early pregnancy.  I tried to enjoy the small swell in my belly and the renewed fullness of my breasts. 

In an instant, it was gone.  My baby is gone.  Who was s/he?  Who would s/he have become?  Where is s/he now?  Did the baby’s heart ever beat? 

I mourn you, baby.  I felt you with me, and I miss you.  You will never be forgotten.

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