The Trial of Labor

I apologize in advance that I am completely unwilling to pretend that I know all of the scienmatific names of all of the pregnancy hormones that especially play into natural pain relief during labor and delivery.  (I’ve had a glass & a half of wine and am keeping my daughter company while she watches “Happy Feet” aka “Penguin Movie”.)

Since my very recent (current?) miscarriage, I have been voraciously reading on the internet.  I was telling a friend today that while my body is “purging” so unceremoniously, that my mind is going through a completely different healing process.  I’m fired up.  I’m mad.  I’m a feminist (well, I have been for a while) with a bra to burn.  And I can’t distance myself from pregnancy and childbirth issues even though I’m no longer pregnant.

So what does this have to do with the title of my post?  Perhaps nothing?  I read an interesting post about “Good Birth Hormones” over at Empowering Birth Blog, and it got me to thinking . . . not that mine is a particularly well-crafted post . . . about hormones in miscarriage.

Monday I cracked.  Or cracked up.  My dear husband left work to comfort me.  He called my GP’s nurse.  From what I gather, I’m going through post-partum depression.  Well, isn’t that dandy.  And it’s normal.  There is not nearly enough information out there about the emotional effects of miscarriage.  For some reason, people are still less likely to talk about miscarriage.  I imagine Emily Post would consider the topic quite inappropriate!

I still need to post my miscarriage experience - the x-rated version - over at Mothering’s forum.  But let me tell you the bad and ugly that comes with miscarriage hormones . . . at least what I experienced.

I decided to call Meadowsweet Herbs for some advice on homeopathic healing for my uterus.  I couldn’t find my phone, and as I searched my messy house (just returned from vacation), I began to . . . I don’t know . . . panic or something.  I was sobbing and experiencing shortness of breath.  I was in a panic and couldn’t find my durned phone.  How silly.  I realized that if I couldn’t find my phone that I couldn’t call Meadowsweet Herbs, and if I couldn’t find my phone that I couldn’t get a hold of my husband.  So I started to panic because I wasn’t going to be able to tell him that I was having some sort of “freak out attack”.

So, I can’t find my phone.  I can’t call the herb store.  I can’t call my husband.  Maybe I can get on verizon’s website and find a way to text him?  Damn!  I can’t remember my password.  (Gasp gasp sob sob)  Maybe one of my December Darlings can call my phone so I can find it or maybe they’ll call my husband and tell them that I’m freaking out.

I did eventually gather enough wits about me to find my stupid cell phone and call my husband.  I spent most of the day weeping and sobbing.  I didn’t want to eat.  I only wanted pills and alcohol (no, not proud of it).  Each day has been different.  One day I’m incredulous.  The next day I’m sad.  Another day I’m more pragmatic.

Caution here!  This is my experience which may be radically different from anyone else’s experience with miscarriage or neonatal death.  Postpartum depression after miscarriage is a risk for some women, and it can be deadly.  Here is an article that I just read that was helpful.  Just know that going from a pregnant to a non-pregnant state accompanying a loss is [insert hyperbole] traumatic to your body, mind, and soul.  Each part of you will need extra care and nourishment.

Body
I was talking to my mom this afternoon.  She raised her concern that my OB’s office didn’t want to see me right away.  I have no reason to believe at this time that my body isn’t capable of repairing itself.  My breasts no longer feel full.  My pants are fitting better now.  I don’t have a fever, excessive bleeding, or other warning signs of trouble.  I trust that my body knows what to do.  I will see a CNM in a few weeks since I’m due for my yearly and because I want to try and conceive again as soon as possible.

Mind
As I previously stated, I’ve been dedicating an enormous amount of time to research and on-line discussion of pregnancy-related topics.  I’m quite passionate about cesarean awareness and VBAC advocacy and am gearing up to become more involved in these issues.  Thank God that the academic year hasn’t begun yet.  I don’t know how I could have managed my teaching and other academic responsibilities while going through this.

Soul
My poor soul - it aches.  It needs attention.  The miscarriage’s affect on my soul is one that I haven’t been ready to deal with.  I sort of have a plan.  When my body feels better, I’ll do some yoga.  When my mind is less angry I’ll pray more and meditate (the Rosary has been particularly helpful for me in times of trial).  I pray every night now, but I wouldn’t say that these prayers are bringing any comfort.  I don’t know what to really pray for - sure the generic “stuff” like healing, comfort, success next time, health, blah blah.  But I don’t feel spiritually connected right now. 

I’ll let you know how things progress.  Every day since my miscarriage brings new emotions, thoughts, rationals, pains, pangs.

One last loosely related statement.

I HATE BEING A STATISTIC YET AGAIN!
I guess I should flesh that out . . . perhaps tomorrow.