The Trial of Labor

It’s the middle of the night and I can’t sleep again.  Last night it was a skunk; tonight it’s storm and stress or something.  I can’t seem to settle down.

My daughter and I are supposed to go camping with friends in Glacier National Park for a couple of days.  We’re hoping to escape the smoke.  It’s been awful . . . oppressive.  I just remembered though that I have a follow-up appointment on Tuesday with a new OB group.  And it’ll be awfully hard to reschedule that appointment, so I’m feeling torn.

 It’s only been 20 days.  I began to lose our baby on August 1.  We were in Alberta with my family.  The memory is so fresh, that it could have been yesterday.  But I feel like I’ve been dealing with this miscarriage for eternity.  When am I going to stop bleeding?  Just as soon as I tell my husband that it seems to be over, the bleeding starts up again.  I think I’m having my period, and then it seems like a continuation of the same.  This is driving me nuts.

I’m starting to stress.  When will I stop bleeding?  When will my cycle go back to normal?  Is the yellow dock and vitex safe?  Is my skin such a wreck because of the supplements?  When will we be able to try and conceive again?  How long will it take me to get pregnant?  Will I lose another baby?  I’m going mad.

I’m not doing a very good job these days with trusting my body.  I can dole out the advice to anyone who will listen or read.  But me?  Actually practice what I preach?  Well, what about my body is worth trusting in right now?  My skin - no.  My uterus - try again.  My cycle - not so much.  My basal temperature - not when you don’t sleep.  My hormones - nope.

Despair is setting in.  Ridiculous when you consider that it’s only been 20 days.