Losing Another Pregnancy

It’s happening all over again.  This miscarriage is different from the last one.  Yesterday afternoon my husband and I were on our way to a party up in the mountains.  I started cramping; the cramps were very strong.  I called my CNM’s answering service and she called me back moments later.  “Drink a few quarts of water and lie down” were her instructions.  I figured that instead of just assuming the worst that we would continue up to the party where I would “drink a few quarts of water” but sit down.  We were following friends up to the party, and they were not aware of what was going on and did not know that I was pregnant.  As soon as we got out of the car I felt the blood.  Once inside the door I rushed to the restroom.  I saw fresh pink blood all over my liner.  I ran out of the house in tears.  GREAT!  And now everyone probably knows what happened to me.  Our friends definitely do . . .

We went to the hospital as instructed.  My cervix was closed and hcg levels were good (11,000) but the ultrasound implied an empty 5 week gestational sac.  What really stinks is that it’s possible that the fetus was “hiding”.  But the fact remains that I bled a lot yesterday and continue to bleed today.

I was supposed to see my chiropractor this morning.  I called in to her office, and they encouraged me to come when I felt like it.  I went in around 10am – don’t know what it is about my chiropractor and the excellent care I receive there, but I often feel more vulnerable when I’m there with her.  This morning was no exception – I bawled.  She suggested that I schedule a massage with her recommended therapist which made me cry even harder.  How am I supposed to pay for the chiropractic treatments, the hospital bills (both my husband & I have been there in the past month), all of my homeopathic self help, AND now I’m supposed to treat myself to massages?  I feel completely conflicted because she told me that she is paying for my massage today.  And of course I cried even more when she said that.

It’s also dreadful giving this news to friends and family members.  It’s even hard to talk about this with my new internet friends.  It’s hard to involve myself with birth-related work.  It’s difficult to see people’s chat messages that grieve for others – not that it’s invalid . . . but it hurts.  I had good talks this morning with my mom and my best girlfriend here in town.

I’m at home today.  Can’t conceive of teaching.  But I hate being here at home.  I hate this space, this town, this weather, my body.  I hate caring.  I hate wanting.  I hate grieving.  I hate living one moment at a time.  I hate not looking forward.  I hate looking back.  I hate remembering.  I hate feeling anything.

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2 responses to “Losing Another Pregnancy

  1. I am so sorry about your miscarriage. It must be so hard for you to be around all the pregnancy related issues right now. I am not sure if this would help but with my last pregnancy I started cramping/uterine contractions and took a Chinese herb called Women’s Precious. Within 3 hours it stopped. With my child before I had early contractions at the 27th week…I took Women’s precious and they slowed down. I had a accupuncture treatment and they stopped completely. Your chiropractor seems really nice, allow her to bless you. You can pay the hospital $20 a month in payments, do not feel the burden of the medical bill right now. If you believe in God, talk to your lost baby and when you feel ok, say goodbye. It helps with the loss for some people. A friend of mine had a ceremny for her miscarried baby…she took flowers and dropped petals into a lake, quietly saying her goodbyes and making peace with the loss of the baby as the petals floated away. You take however long you need to grieve, there is no time limit, you lost a life.
    Nicole

  2. I am so sorry, Kimberly. We are all thinking of and praying for you. It physically hurts me that you have to go through this again.

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