Avoiding Tomorrow

It’s 11:10pm and I’m still awake.  Ludicrous – I suffered a miscarriage and endured surgery a mere day-and-a-half ago, and I know my body and mind need rest.  After hours of surfing the internet and spending time on fringe subjects, it dawned on me – I’m avoiding tomorrow.

I am avoiding tomorrow because I need to get back to work.  Life needs to go on.  I can’t stay in bed forever.  I can’t continue doping up on hydrocodone, anti-anxiety meds, and wine.  I can’t keep avoiding family responsibilities.  I can’t refuse phone calls forever.  So, I’m still awake spending time on insignificant things (like this post) because as soon as I shut my eyes, I’ll have to face tomorrow.

My “work” today has been interesting.  I watched a Bill Moyer lecture captured on video a few weeks before his death.  I learned about “cultural creatives” and decided that Obama must be one.  (What really helped me put this together was a recent Hillary Clinton rant which I can no longer find but had something to do with his supposed pie-in-the-sky rhetoric.)  I tried – and failed – to find a good diagram of Toffler’s * wave theory to share on an on-line forum and came across a thought-provoking futurist post about something called “future shock.”  I surfed digg.com, compared it to reddit.com, and decided that I prefer digg.  I thought about how I can incorporate social activism discourse into the philosophy of music education course I’ll teach on-line next spring.  I started watching an interview with Naomi Wolf, author of The Beauty Myth (which I haven’t read) and The End of America (which I am now interested in reading).

And now it is 11:40pm and I must face going to sleep.  My DH is still upstairs playing World of Warcraft.  That’s how he escapes the horrid reality of our current situation.  And I go to bed again alone . . .

* Evidently the neutrality of this wikipedia entry is disputed to which I respond, “when is communication ever truly ‘neutral’?”

11 responses to “Avoiding Tomorrow

  1. I am so sorry to hear of your miscarriage. I am remembering you in my prayers. Your baby is acknowledged by me, even if you don’t know me.

    I understand the avoidance behavior. Did you make a memory box or something so you can have a “place” for your grief? It’s okay to “go on” and yet still have a place to mourn. I have a large envelope in my dresser with things like the pregnancy test, hospital bracelet from surgery, sonogram photo, and little poems I wrote to deal with the miscarriage. It can be something as simple as a bill, a doctor’s office card, a flower, or anything really. It’s nice to have something to hold on to even if I had to make it myself (as in the poems).

    Blessings to you…

  2. ((((((HUGS)))))) I think I remember that you have a history of depression. I’m not remembering right now, though, whether you’re on any antidepressant medication or seeing a specialist. May I suggest that you consider pursuing those avenues if you’re not already? If depression is ever going to catch up with you, this would be the time….

    I hope things get better for you, one way or another, very soon. I’m thinking of you very often.

  3. i am very sorry to hear about your loss. i have experienced a similar loss ans just wrote about going back to work. it has been a hard journey, getting through the dsy is a victory that i can celbrate in small ways. best of luck.

  4. I know that feeling, not wanting to go to sleep for fear that upon awakening you’ll still be stuck in the same real life nightmare. I am so sad for you Kimberly. I wish it were possible for all of the people who are sad along with you to somehow relieve you of even a bit of your grief in order to allow you happiness in the near future? I sure hope so. Love you!

    Oh yes, and hail the CC’s! ;)

  5. I wish I could be there with you right now. I’m so sorry honey & am mourning the loss of your baby. She/He was very real to me as well and I will honor that life in my prayers. I wish I could send you some hope & strength to get through the coming days, and I am only a phone call away if you need me.

  6. It is frustrating that the world can not stop for even a short time for you. I remember often thinking ‘Stop the world I want to get off’

    ((hugs)) As a previous poster said, if you are prone to depression, it would be helpful to you to so something. It won’t change the loss of your baby, but it is one less thing to deal with at the moment.

    Light and love

  7. You commented in my blog the other day about “The Business of Being Born,” and in perusing yours, I read this post; I couldn’t read without commenting that I am very sorry for your loss. I wish you healing.

  8. my husband used to play WAY too much world of warcraft. i seriously don’t like that game. takes too much of his time away from me. he hasn’t played since 2005 and i’m thankful.

    i read your blog but i can’t remember if i’ve ever commented before. i’m sorry for your miscarriage. Have you ever read Peggy Vincent’s – Baby Catcher, Chronicles of a Modern Midwife?

    She tells about “spirit babies” in that, a story her son told her I believe. About how a woman has all the spirits of all the babies she could ever birth in her life floating in a circle above her, and each month when the time is right the first baby in line is the one that would be conceived if it should happen that month. and if it doesn’t happen it goes to the back of the line again.

    Now if the mommy should get pregnant and something should happen, the little spirit baby goes back and gets back in line. But all the other babies give it cuts in line so it’s always first to try again.

    That little story helped me through my miscarriage, and then i suddenly got pregnant again that same month. So my little Willem, is my little spirit baby.

    Sorry it’s a long post, but I hope it helps you too.

  9. Thank you all for your support. It’s time for me to post something new, eh?

    Mrs. Michael – thanks for your comment. I believed that about the spirits of our babies. I’m not sure what I think now. Maybe it’s because my pregnancy/birthing future is so uncertain now. But I do appreciate this “story” and find it comforting.

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