I hardly know what to do with myself. My normal internet activities have been disrupted by my miscarriage, and I find myself wondering what I’m supposed to be doing when I get onto the internet.
I can’t visit my “December Darlings” because they have what I don’t – growing families. That may seem strange and selfish, but I just can’t deal with seeing the absolutely adorable pictures of my friends’ children.
I can’t even visit the main ICAN list . . . too many pregnant women there. Too many women worried about their upcoming birth experiences, something I certainly can’t relate too right now. Plus there’s the issue of having been told that my effing scar is too thin to attempt a VBAC. (I haven’t had my follow-up with the OB yet to find out how she decided my fate for me.) How am I supposed to encourage women to VBAC when I’ve now been given this news? If my scar (which from the outside looks like nothing) can’t be trusted then how can I tell other women to trust their scars? I feel like a hack.
I can’t visit Mothering’s forums, MDC. I did today, but it’s been two weeks since I’ve been over there. And today seeing the signatures of women whose pregnancies weren’t as far along as mine when I lost my baby . . . aaaa, it really stings.
I’m not in a good place right now. Not at all. I don’t feel “healed” in any way. I’m just more drunk than I was 2 weeks ago. Wow, that’s something to be proud of . . .