Avoiding Tomorrow

It’s 11:10pm and I’m still awake.  Ludicrous – I suffered a miscarriage and endured surgery a mere day-and-a-half ago, and I know my body and mind need rest.  After hours of surfing the internet and spending time on fringe subjects, it dawned on me – I’m avoiding tomorrow.

I am avoiding tomorrow because I need to get back to work.  Life needs to go on.  I can’t stay in bed forever.  I can’t continue doping up on hydrocodone, anti-anxiety meds, and wine.  I can’t keep avoiding family responsibilities.  I can’t refuse phone calls forever.  So, I’m still awake spending time on insignificant things (like this post) because as soon as I shut my eyes, I’ll have to face tomorrow.

My “work” today has been interesting.  I watched a Bill Moyer lecture captured on video a few weeks before his death.  I learned about “cultural creatives” and decided that Obama must be one.  (What really helped me put this together was a recent Hillary Clinton rant which I can no longer find but had something to do with his supposed pie-in-the-sky rhetoric.)  I tried – and failed – to find a good diagram of Toffler’s * wave theory to share on an on-line forum and came across a thought-provoking futurist post about something called “future shock.”  I surfed digg.com, compared it to reddit.com, and decided that I prefer digg.  I thought about how I can incorporate social activism discourse into the philosophy of music education course I’ll teach on-line next spring.  I started watching an interview with Naomi Wolf, author of The Beauty Myth (which I haven’t read) and The End of America (which I am now interested in reading).

And now it is 11:40pm and I must face going to sleep.  My DH is still upstairs playing World of Warcraft.  That’s how he escapes the horrid reality of our current situation.  And I go to bed again alone . . .

* Evidently the neutrality of this wikipedia entry is disputed to which I respond, “when is communication ever truly ‘neutral’?”

Pregnancy Depression? Anxiety? Stress?

I am in my 9th week of pregnancy when calculated from my LMP.  This is still a vulnerable time for me even though I have passed both miscarriage dates/points and am visibly pregnant.  I still worry every day about the health of this baby and if I might yet lose it.  Perhaps my fears are irrational, but they are real – they are with me – and I am certain that in part they are driven by hormones.

What else is hormonally driven is my mood, for lack of a better term.  I am prone to tearfulness, exasperation, anger, and the like.  I’m feeling quite emotionally volatile, and I’m having a difficult time maintaining an even, positive disposition at work.  A student or two comes unprepared for lessons and I read them the riot act.  Do they deserve it?  Hell yeah, but I’d probably be less likely to throw down the law were I not so emotionally sensitive right now.  Today I show up for a faculty meeting, and my colleague’s face is all twisted and sour.  My other colleague and I can tell that she’s pissed off about something, but instead of telling us which one has offended her, she just spends an hour giving dirty looks and being sour.  I must admit that my entire day has been thrown off.  This colleague has been so NASTY and ANGRY lately, and it’s really affecting my quality of “life” at work.  I am in such a bad spot emotionally today that I went home at 11:00am, cancelling two students’ lessons (which I hate hate hate to do).  I was on the verge of tears in front of my 11:00 student which added to my anger.

I suffer from depression on a regular basis.  I have, what was diagnosed a number of years ago, chronic mild depression.  Even though I am pregnant, I am still on a decreased dose of depression medication.  So, I am not surprised that my depression and anxiety may be exacerbated at times.  Look what I found today via google alerts:

A whole year, including pregnancy, childbirth and time after childbirth – is time of big psychological and physical changes. Women need both emotional and physical support during this period.

During pregnancy women can experience quick mood swings that are caused not only by hormonal changes, but also physical and psychic transformations. During pregnancy women can experience depression more often. However, this mostly depends on emotional importance they attach to pregnancy, their attitude to change of shapes, care of themselves during whole period of pregnancy.

The rest of the article doesn’t really apply to me so much, but if you’d like to read 6 ways of prevention for pregnancy depression, click here.  I was so glad to find that paragraph today of all days when I am feeling so low and worthless and anxious and depressed that I can’t even function at work.  I share this in case someone else ever feels the same way when pregnant and trying to balance personal and professional demands.