Easter Thoughts

Today is a great day.  We made it to Mass on time . . . early even.  Our daughter was fairly well-behaved during the service (though I was hardly able to pay attention to the readings or the homily).  Friends came over for brunch.  The kids enjoyed the egg hunt.  It’s cold but sunny.

I was just reviewing the readings for today and yesterday and want to share two of them:

Col 3:1-4 

Brothers and sisters:
If then you were raised with Christ, seek what is above,
where Christ is seated at the right hand of God.
Think of what is above, not of what is on earth. For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
When Christ your life appears,
then you too will appear with him in glory.

This makes me think of my babies that were never born.  I can’t really explain the correlation, but today – and every day – I think of them.

Ps 51:12-13, 14-15, 18-19

R. (12a) Create a clean heart in me, O God.
A clean heart create for me, O God,
and a steadfast spirit renew within me.
Cast me not out from your presence,
and your Holy Spirit take not from me.
R. Create a clean heart in me, O God.
Give me back the joy of your salvation,
and a willing spirit sustain in me.
I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners shall return to you.
R. Create a clean heart in me, O God.
For you are not pleased with sacrifices;
should I offer a holocaust, you would not accept it.
My sacrifice, O God, is a contrite spirit;
a heart contrite and humbled, O God, you will not spurn.
R. Create a clean heart in me, O God.

My heart is not clean.  I need to keep this psalm with me and read it many times over.  I believe I have been asked to sacrifice.  Perhaps I still need help finding my contrite and humble spirit.  We’re taught not to blame God for bad things that happen.  We’re taught to give him thanks and praise for the blessings we receive.  This is awfully unfair.  My hope and prayer is that God will reveal something that gives me peace about this awful time in my life.

Grief Is

I found this poem today at MDC.  I just have to share it here.

Grief is a quiet thing
Deadly in repose.
A raging horror, a thunder of abuse.

Raucous -
Demanding -
Incomprehensible -
Tearing all that one has ever loved.

Hopeless,
Forlorn,
Fear-ridden and misunderstood;
Ceasing a moment, and through the years,
Returning…to destroy.

To rage
To curse all that is happy -
Or contented,
Or trusting.

To threaten every beauty that is true.

Grief?
It’s a quiet thing.

- Melba Colgrove, from How to Survive the Loss of a Love

Indeed grief is a quiet thing.  In real life when someone asks, “How are you today?!” or “How are you doing?” I am compelled to answer, “Just fine!” or something similar.  People don’t seem to really be asking me if I’m doing better with the expectation that I might actually tell them how hard every day is.  People don’t understand that it’s not terribly easy to just be fine after a pregnancy loss much less after three.  They don’t want to hear about it – not really.

Recurrent Miscarriage Update

I had a follow-up appointment yesterday with the OB who performed the needed curretage a few weeks ago.  I can’t say that I really learned anything helpful from the meeting. 

Pathology on the baby came back normal though apparently no chromosomal analysis was done.  I hadn’t realized that the pathology would only rule out ectopic or molar pregnancies.  I already knew from the ultrasound that neither of those were concerns.  So that was a costly dead end.

Chromosomal abnormalities?  Perhaps, so she recommends testing for both me and my husband.  I assume that we will go ahead and do that.

Progesterone deficiency?  Perhaps, so she recommends taking Clomid when I’m ready to conceive again.  I was not previously aware of using Clomid to treat potential progesterone deficiency or apparent “luteal phase defect.”  Since I ovulate on our around the 15th cycle day, I don’t think LPD is my issue.   However, I’m not ruling out some sort of hormone imbalance.  When I’ve had HCG levels tested, those numbers have been just fine.  But I’ve never had my progesterone level checked, and this OB wouldn’t do it anyway even after Clomid treatment.  I find that odd.  What if the Clomid wasn’t quite enough to sustain the corpus luteum until the placenta takes over?  Wouldn’t it make sense that I could still possibly need progesterone supplementation even after conceiving on Clomid.  (Remember that I have no conception problems; I’m just “failing” to sustain pregnancy right now.)

Immunological problems?  Not suspected though I am inclined to disagree.  I have a history of endometriosis, depression, low energy, and adult onset acne, for instance.  My mother has rheumatoid arthritis which is an auto-immune disease.  I rarely feel particularly “great,” but then again, given what I’ve been through this past year it would be hard to identify a great day even if it was right under my nose.  I found the Reproductive Immunology Associates’ information on miscarriage prevention to be interesting, encouraging, disheartening, and overwhelming.  I will pursue some of these ideas with local care providers.

Next month I will follow-up with another OB in town.  I may also go see an endocrinologist who has been recommended.  There are evidently fertility specialists as near as Spokane, so perhaps I should be contacting them?  I have so many questions, and I don’t know if I’ll ever find answers.  That’s perhaps the scariest part.  At this moment I think I could deal with being told that trying to conceive again would not likely be successful for X, Y, or Z reasons.  We do have one incredible child, and I might be inclined to consider adopting from abroad.  But to have to deal with the unknown is what really worries me.  Three miscarriages in a row “just” bad luck?  How will I overcome that “diagnosis” if it is the most likely deduction?

Time will tell.  Each day is different.  Some days are ok and some are not.  I am living moment to moment, hour to hour, day to day.  Planning ahead for anything is excrutiating.  But “ahead” will come whether I like it or not, whether I can deal with it right now or not, and whether I can deal with it then or not.

Aimless

I hardly know what to do with myself.  My normal internet activities have been disrupted by my miscarriage, and I find myself wondering what I’m supposed to be doing when I get onto the internet.

I can’t visit my “December Darlings” because they have what I don’t – growing families.  That may seem strange and selfish, but I just can’t deal with seeing the absolutely adorable pictures of my friends’ children.

I can’t even visit the main ICAN list . . . too many pregnant women there.  Too many women worried about their upcoming birth experiences, something I certainly can’t relate too right now.  Plus there’s the issue of having been told that my effing scar is too thin to attempt a VBAC.  (I haven’t had my follow-up with the OB yet to find out how she decided my fate for me.)  How am I supposed to encourage women to VBAC when I’ve now been given this news?  If my scar (which from the outside looks like nothing) can’t be trusted then how can I tell other women to trust their scars?  I feel like a hack.

I can’t visit Mothering’s forums, MDC.  I did today, but it’s been two weeks since I’ve been over there.  And today seeing the signatures of women whose pregnancies weren’t as far along as mine when I lost my baby . . . aaaa, it really stings.

I’m not in a good place right now.  Not at all.  I don’t feel “healed” in any way.  I’m just more drunk than I was 2 weeks ago.  Wow, that’s something to be proud of . . .

I don’t understand

I don’t understand why people who would kill or abuse children are able to get pregnant and maintain their pregnancies and so many wonderful people are infertile.  You hear stories of babies found dead in dumpsters or sexually abused or beaten or abandoned, and these stories hit me so hard these days.  It’s so unfair!!!

I saw something horrible on CNN this evening and found it again through digg.com.  A woman was caught on tape POWER WASHING HER 2 YEAR OLD CHILD at a car wash.  Thankfully the baby wasn’t physically damaged, but I can only imagine what this toddler has endured at home and how emotionally damaged the child is.  It just breaks my heart.

At least . . .

At least . . . 

  • I have an amazingly supportive husband
  • I have my daugher, my miracle daughter 
  • I still have my uterus
  • I didn’t end up needing a blood transfusion
  • My body doesn’t allow ailing babies to grow into the 2nd trimester – as horrific as it has been to lose three babies in a row in the 1st trimester, I am fortunate that I haven’t lost a baby after the 1st trimester or at birth
  • I have health insurance – hopefully they will pay for the extensive blood testing that may be recommended here in the near future
  • I have friends and students who are trying to help me figure out what to do next
  • I can think of 7 or 8 things to be thankful for this evening

Thanks to Mara for her at leasts . . .