Pregnancy Update: 20 weeks

I had my 20 week ultrasound today.  I was thankful that the baby looks healthy and is measuring consistent with her “due-ish date.”  Yeah . . . her.  This is my fourth and final baby.  This is also my fourth and final baby GIRL.  My poor husband.

Many concerns were ruled out today.  At my “advanced” age, and after several losses, and after three perfect children, I was sort of anticipating something “different.”  Different, how, I wasn’t sure.  But I wasn’t feeling like it was going to be different good.  The previous indication of an anterior placenta was wrong – my placenta is high and posterior.  I’m thrilled.  All of the measurements were good.  Nice looking spine.  Nice looking skull.  Nice looking upper lip.  Nice looking kidneys and stomach.

So, as far as I’m concerned, I’m done with obstetric care unless something develops that necessitates that type of care.  I can’t wait to talk to my midwife!

Today’s Notable Reads

Today is a banner day on my Facebook news feed.  Here are some things that piqued my interest.

  • Owen Wilson and his girlfriend welcomed their baby into the world at home!  I’m not providing a link – I figure you can go to your favorite celeb site if you’re curious.  ;)
  • Did you know that nearly 100% of us parents use car seats incorrectly.  Here’s a 5-minute video featuring “The Car Seat Lady.”
  • I haven’t read this yet, but check out this New Yorker article regarding the decline effect and the scientific method.
  • Homebirth: A Midwife Mutiny is a great blog.  I first read Risk, homebirth, VBAC and am now on to her take on a BBC News article about “womb tearing.”  Next, I think I’ll read Blaming Women, because HELLO it happens all the stinkin’ time.
  • I’m also curious to read a new-to-me blog today, particularly the article on “No, Actually, You Did Not Turn Out Ok.”  We’ll see – I’m a fairly mainstream mama, so I don’t know how I’ll respond knowing that this is one of the blogger’s perspectives: “Where I Post . . . And Kick Your Lily White Arse For Making Your Baby Cry-It-Out.”  We ended up doing CIO with our oldest.  Is she ok – not completely.  Is it because of CIO – not necessarily.  Are we ok – no completely.  Is it because of CIO – not exactly.  But hey, let’s blame ourselves (see blaming women above) and each other (a favorite past-time for some on Facebook) for our kids becoming assholes or freaks as if THEY have nothing to do with it.
  • DEEP BREATH
  • My favorite spot on the internet for sound pregnancy & birth related advice – Childbirth Connection

Feeling Overwhelmed . . . hmm

I’m feeling overwhelmed this week.  Icky.

A couple of things have thrown me off my center, perhaps.  Like my good friend’s threatened labor now at 30w gestation.  Like my sister-in-law’s straight-forward CBAC yesterday – don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful, but it’s still affecting me.  Like having to go back to work in less than two weeks – survival mode.  Like all of the projects that I haven’t accomplished this winter break.  Like my birthday coming tomorrow – gross late-30s number!  Like CBA2C vs. VBA2C vs. CBA2C vs. VBA2C and on and on.

Ack.

What do you do when you’re feeling overwhelmed and ineffective?  Any suggestions?  It’s really causing me to stagnate and procrastinate.

It’s not like I’m doing absolutely NOTHING.  It’s just that I feel like I’m hiding in my birth research and stressing about a lot of different things and not actually accomplishing things in a timely fashion.  I just need to break the cycle.  I probably need a to do list – maybe a reward chart?!  Haha!

Fiction gives me unexpected confidence

This may sound strange, but I’m reading Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol at my husband’s suggestion, and it’s really helping me . . . at this moment . . . find peace with my path to successful birth at the end of this pregnancy.

This book introduced me to noetic science.  Huh?  According to Wikipedia, noetic theory is “the study of mind and intuition, and its relationship with the divine intellect.”  That is just right up my alley in some ways.  I’m more prone to read a research study about pregnancy than I am to delve into Birthing from Within, but part of my non-fiction pursuits in the past have focused on theology and mysticism, and this book (and a recent talk with a trusted friend, a “straight up” talk with a midwife who doesn’t live in my area, and some soul searching) has helped remind me of the mystical aspect of birth.  Birth is a divine gift and one bestowed on women.  Should it surprise us that the male-dominated world would try and rob us (think gender subversion, think hegemony, heck think Marxism) of this unique gift?!

Ok, so back to my unexpected fiction-induced fervor and confidence in my ability to birth:

  • “Our untapped potential is truly shocking.” (p. 27)
  • “We have barely scratched the surface of our mental and spiritual capabilities.” (p. 67)
  • Our thoughts have physical mass & can interact with the physical world, “. . . whether or not we [know] it, effecting change all the way down to the subatomic realm.” (p. 67)
  • Intention requires practice! (see http://www.theintentionexperiment.com/how-to-intend)
  • This seems to coincide with what I’ve already learned about Bodytalk (see http://www.bodytalksystem.com/learn/bodytalk/) – that the body can rebalance and repair itself.

Gosh, what does this have to do with natural birth?  Well, in my case, I’ve had a lot of experience with programming myself in the medical model of women’s health.  I have benefitted from this model, surely, but when it comes to natural physiologic birth, the medical model has its severe limitations.  I feel like a hostage to the medical model – and sometimes victims are oddly attached to their captors.  I am one of those victims.

I need God to work with me BIG TIME during this pregnancy.  He continues to keep me safe even though I fall flat on my face every day.  He never forsakes me.  He will protect me and this baby too, if it’s his divine Will.  God’s plan may not be my plan, but I have to believe that no matter what my and my husband’s decision may be for this birth, that His Will will be done.

“Lo, children are an heritage of the LORD: and the fruit of the womb is his reward.” ~ Psalm 127:1

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”  ~ John 14:27

“Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust Him, and He will help you. Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act.” ~ Psalm 37:5,7

Clearly, I’m still working all of this out and how it connects, and how it may or may not be useful to me.  But I am excited to share this renewed faith with you.  I’ve always been interested in the spiritual aspect of science, and now I’m discovering even more connections to and evidence of God’s presence in modern science.

Here’s to a peaceful and powerful 2011!

Breaking up with OB?

So, if you read this blog at all or know me, you know that I had an unnecessarian in 2004 for “CPD.”  (Umm, I’m 5’10″ and only had an 8lb baby.)  I suffered three consecutive first trimester losses.  I had a repeat cesarean in 2009 for double footling breech twins.  And now I am pregnant again with a singleton and planning to HBA2C in June or July.

So, my childbirth years have been heavily governed by the medical model of care.  I’ve been wanting a homebirth since 2007, but the opportunity evaded me until now.  I need to break up with my OB, and if you have any suggestions for when and how, I’d love to hear from you.

Should I wait until after the 20 week ultrasound?  (I want this ultrasound to confirm where the placenta has attached.  I already know that it is anterior, so I am concerned about accreta.)

Or should I do it now that I’m out of the 1st trimester?  I already have a relationship with a midwife and will be seeing her in the next couple of weeks.

I see benefits for doing it now and for waiting.  If I do it now, I have more time to trust my body, my baby, and my midwife without the temptation of ultrasound machines and other interventions.  I’ve become somewhat dependent on the “bells and whistles” of obstetric care, and I don’t think they help me build that internal trust I still lack. 

These are just the 8am Saturday morning musings of the over-thinking fence sitter!

Flashbacks

2007 – 2008 were really tough years.  I suffered three consecutive pregnancy losses.  I nearly lost myself.  I look back on those years and shudder.

I was driving down the road the other day and couldn’t get these losses out of my mind.  I gave birth to twin girls in August 2009, but this doesn’t mean that I don’t still grieve for those lost souls.  Ugh, I don’t like thinking about it.

Perhaps these losses are on my mind because I had that evil Mirena IUD taken out last month.  My cycle has returned.  I had my first real menses since 2008.  The blood reminds me of all I have lost and all I have gained.

I’ve just ovulated.  The lovely CM and pains of mittelschmerz remind me of all I could lose and all I could gain.

My heart craves another child.  My body begs to be useful . . . and to be complete . . . and to bring my childbearing years full circle in the comfort of my own home with my husband and perhaps a midwife or doula.