The Few Minutes I Remember

I was just reading A Day They’ll Never Forget from the Giving Birth with Confidence blog.  It’s wonderful to read stories like those – truly beautiful, uneventful (in a good way), unencumbered births.  I can’t relate to them at all, but I still have hope.

In stark contrast to these four womens, my children have been cut out of me.  I don’t remember all of the details of their births, and I never will.  Is it because of the anesthesia?  Is it because a cesarean section is a traumatic experience for the body . . . and the mind?  So many people just don’t seem to understand that it should be fairly uncommon for a woman to need to have major abdominal surgery as a result of trying to birth her babies.

My water broke just short of midnight one night in August 2009.  I was trying to get comfortable enough to sleep, but Baby A had been making that quite difficult for some time.  This night was no different.  I piled pillows up and tried to lie down in a modified child’s pose.  No sooner had I settled, Baby A started moving vigorously and with a swift kick, obliterated her amniotic sac.  I cried out – “They’re going to cut me open.”

I had hoped that Baby A would turn back from breech before they were born, but breech presentation was confirmed at the hospital.  I was prepped for surgery.  This is the end of what I remember clearly.

You Know You’re a Homebirther When

  1. you find yourself zealously defending the CPM/DEM designation and probably come off as a bit of a wingnut!
  2. you get pissed off just thinking about the horrible things that OBs and nurses (for God’s sake) have said to women who have had to transfer from home to the hospital
  3. you get even more pissed off thinking about the birth that screwed everything up for you (not altogether in a bad way) and your childbearing years
  4. you have this idea to become a doula . . . or worse yet, a homebirth midwife
  5. you have this even crazier idea to leave your day job with full benefits to become a homebirth midwife
  6. you have this even more insane idea to move to Canada or some other country with a better health care system to (a) have your babies and/or (b) become a homebirth midwife
  7. you recognize that malpractice insurance does NOT make birth more safe
  8. you realize that you have to take responsibility for your own choices in pregnancy and in birth – from the Costco dipped icecream extravaganza I ate for dinner tonight (oops, not one of my finer moments) to where you’ll have a baby and with whom and what you’ll allow this person to do for (t0) you as your birth; all of these choices have consequences (hello reflux) . . .
  9. you want everyone to know about homebirth for what it is . . . not what mainstream America assumes it is (been there, done that)
  10. you want families to understand that their choice of careprovider(s) is such an important decision (OB doesn’t mean superior to CNM superior to CPM/DEM; these are very different designations with very different training requirements and very different mindsets; know what you’re getting yourself into!)
  11. you can no longer ignore the voice inside that says . . . “the last thing I want to do is leave my bed and go to the hospital” – I ignored that voice six years ago; now that the option is presenting itself to stay home, I must listen to my inner Truth, pray for God’s blessing and protection, and trust that His Will will be done.

edited to add a point and adjust some “tone”

Pregnancy Update: 20 weeks

I had my 20 week ultrasound today.  I was thankful that the baby looks healthy and is measuring consistent with her “due-ish date.”  Yeah . . . her.  This is my fourth and final baby.  This is also my fourth and final baby GIRL.  My poor husband.

Many concerns were ruled out today.  At my “advanced” age, and after several losses, and after three perfect children, I was sort of anticipating something “different.”  Different, how, I wasn’t sure.  But I wasn’t feeling like it was going to be different good.  The previous indication of an anterior placenta was wrong – my placenta is high and posterior.  I’m thrilled.  All of the measurements were good.  Nice looking spine.  Nice looking skull.  Nice looking upper lip.  Nice looking kidneys and stomach.

So, as far as I’m concerned, I’m done with obstetric care unless something develops that necessitates that type of care.  I can’t wait to talk to my midwife!

Can’t say anthing nice

I have been a quiet blogger as of late . . .

I’m what?  19 weeks pregnant at this point?  I’ve lost track.

But I just can’t really say anything nice right now.  Everything I want to blog about right now is some sort of tirade.  In fact, I thought about authoring a post with the title, “Eff Off, I’m Gestating In Peace, Dammit!”

Can someone explain this to me?  Maybe I’m having a boy?  Or perhaps I’m just reacting to the insane interpersonal stress I’m experiencing at work – I don’t deal well with abuse.  Or maybe it’s the bizarre dreams I’ve been having lately – two of them have involved losing my baby.

Anyway, lots of feelings . . . and most of what I can share is stupid, inane, or negative.  So, I’ll shove a sock in it.

Off to find my happy pants! :D

Bellydancing a Better Pregnancy

Oh bellydancing . . . where have you been all these years?  Of course I’ve known about bellydancing, but I don’t fancy myself the bellydancing type, so I’d never done it.  In fact, the last time I saw someone bellydance – and this is going to sound horribly judgmental – I was somewhat traumatized by the woman’s body.  She was one proud mama, I’ll give you that.  But it was just more evidence that I am not meant to bellydance, and certainly not in this town.

This is a very different pregnancy for me.  I’ve thought I’ve had different pregnancies before, but I can honestly say that I’m making this one different.  Those of you who follow this blog with any regularity know that I have posted plenty of academic pieces full of statistics and analysis.  But that’s not my path this pregnancy.  Of course, I’m trying to keep up on all of that – but I’m more interested in building trust, faith, strength, and peace.

So the short of the long of it is I decided to look into bellydancing.  After much deliberation, I decided to purchase Amira’s DVD.  It’s not the most exciting DVD, but it feels amazing.  I rely on my chiropractor to put my aching pelvis back together on a regular basis.  However, since starting the bellydance DVD and alternating it with prenatal yoga DVDs, but pelvis has stopped yelling at me so much.

I also suffer from symphasis pubis dysfunction.  I know the aches and pains are coming, but I’m sure they started earlier at least in the last pregnancy.  Other than some pulling in the left round ligament, I’ve had very little pain in the front.  I’m also noticing now that my adhesions don’t hurt – they sure did when I started the DVD.

If you suffer from pelvic instability – you MUST try bellydance.  I don’t know why this isn’t emphasized as strongly as yoga, but it has made a world of difference for me.  Next up, Dance of the Womb, which you can purchase through ICAN, and actually it’s the best price I’ve found.  I’m also going to try and work a beginning belly dance class into my schedule.  I’ve checked with the teacher, and she says this particular class is safe for pregnancy.

Supplementing Pregnancy with Progesterone

It amazes me that OBs can still be resistant to testing for progesterone deficiency and treating it.  After two consecutive losses and a clean blood panel, I begged my OB to test my progesterone levels.  I was pregnant again.  Not only did she refuse to test, but she also said that even if I tested low for progesterone, she wouldn’t supplement.  Her “brilliant” idea to treat pregnancy loss was Clomid!  (You can read tons of stories about women taking Clomid and suffering miscarriages as well as being blessed and challenged with multiple gestation issues.)

I lost that baby at 10 weeks gestation.  It died a few weeks earlier.  I was devastated and so angry.  I’m still angry at that nutjob OB.  For numerous reasons I transfered to a more compassionate OB who had been through infertility with his wife and also seemed to enjoy thoughtful discussions with his patients.  Although he misdiagnosed my problem, he supported me in seeking a second opinion with a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).

The RE discovered low low low progesterone.  The RE also found adenomyosis in my uterus that was distorting the shape of my uterus.  He believes that my cesarean caused the adenomyosis.  He removed as much as he could.

I received the all clear to TTC and quickly became pregnant again.  (Becoming pregnant was never my issue.)  I began supplementing with progesterone via 17-hydroxyprogesterone shots.  An early ultrasound discovered that I was carrying twins.  (Recall the one OB’s suggestion to give me Clomid?!??!!!!!!!)

I continued the progesterone injections and weekly progesterone tests during the first trimester of that pregnancy.  My progesterone levels seemed ok on their own, but it was prudent to continue especially since specialists don’t know what a good level of progesterone is for multiple gestation.  After three consecutive losses, I carried my twins to term. :)

I accidentally became pregnant during my September 23, 2010 cycle.  I suspected it almost immediately after conception, so I began early testing.  By CD 28 I tested positive for pregnancy.  I contacted my OB’s office (my previous lovely OB died the day he cleared us to TTC in 2008) on a Friday, and was frustrated that it took until the end of the business day on Monday to get a script.  In the meantime, I contacted medical friends and even the RE’s nurse.  I was amazed that she got back to me and was still willing to advise me . . . 2 years later and from out of state.  What a blessing.

Your typical OB isn’t always well-equipped to deal with early pregnancy issues.  My OB recommended 100mg oral progesterone.  I double-checked this with the RE’s nurse, and she did NOT recommend this treatment.  My SIL also told me some sketchy stuff about oral progesterone supplementation.  The RE’s nurse said the best thing to do is either go back on the shots or do 200mg prometrium vaginally.  Since prometrium is so accessible and doesn’t require a stick in the bum, I went that route.  I also want readers to know that it took a while to straighten out the script, but by Tuesday I had what I needed thanks to a lovely independent pharmacist, the RE’s nurse, and the OB’s office following through with exactly what I requested.

I just want to offer this information up for those who are struggling to make sense of their losses.  Really, if you think you suffer from low progesterone and/or a short luteal phase, you need a medical script for progesterone supplementation.  It is unlikely that natural supplements will do the job . . . maybe for marginal progesterone?

Someone on one of my advocacy lists said that taking prometrium vaginally seemed “iffy” to her.  I must admit that irritated me, but she doesn’t know anything about me or how seriously I consider my health decisions.  Had I not been directed to this reproductive endocrinologist in 2008, I would probably not have my twins or be 16 weeks pregnant with my fourth and final baby.

Today’s Notable Reads

Today is a banner day on my Facebook news feed.  Here are some things that piqued my interest.

  • Owen Wilson and his girlfriend welcomed their baby into the world at home!  I’m not providing a link – I figure you can go to your favorite celeb site if you’re curious.  ;)
  • Did you know that nearly 100% of us parents use car seats incorrectly.  Here’s a 5-minute video featuring “The Car Seat Lady.”
  • I haven’t read this yet, but check out this New Yorker article regarding the decline effect and the scientific method.
  • Homebirth: A Midwife Mutiny is a great blog.  I first read Risk, homebirth, VBAC and am now on to her take on a BBC News article about “womb tearing.”  Next, I think I’ll read Blaming Women, because HELLO it happens all the stinkin’ time.
  • I’m also curious to read a new-to-me blog today, particularly the article on “No, Actually, You Did Not Turn Out Ok.”  We’ll see – I’m a fairly mainstream mama, so I don’t know how I’ll respond knowing that this is one of the blogger’s perspectives: “Where I Post . . . And Kick Your Lily White Arse For Making Your Baby Cry-It-Out.”  We ended up doing CIO with our oldest.  Is she ok – not completely.  Is it because of CIO – not necessarily.  Are we ok – no completely.  Is it because of CIO – not exactly.  But hey, let’s blame ourselves (see blaming women above) and each other (a favorite past-time for some on Facebook) for our kids becoming assholes or freaks as if THEY have nothing to do with it.
  • DEEP BREATH
  • My favorite spot on the internet for sound pregnancy & birth related advice – Childbirth Connection