Why oh WHY would you say that to a pregnant woman?

I’m ready to lighten the mood just a little bit, I suppose.  I found a link to this serious but cheeky post about what pregnant women really think when you say ridiculous things to them via @DarleneMacAuley on Twitter.  Ok, so maybe I should add the caveat that not all pregnant women react like this, but at least Mama Birth and I do!

Here’s one of hers:

Quote 5:
(Said when out in public with ‘gasp!’ all three kids and pregnant belly.)
“Wow. You are going to have your hands full.” ~Must be said in a voice that is a mixture of shock and horror.~

What I say:
“Oh….haha!”
(Why is my response almost always a smile and nervous laughter?! Seriously, my parents are not this polite!)

What I am thinking:
(On a bad day.)
“Are you kidding me, my hands ARE full. I am secretly freaking out, wondering if my sanity will survive and more importantly, if my kids will turn out to be functional adults. Can you get the door for me, load the groceries in the car (even after I say I don’t need help) and then help push me into my Suburban that conveniently has a four inch lift?”

(On a good day.)

“I love my kids! I couldn’t imagine life without them! They are the best thing that every happened to me and in no way a burden. Why does everybody seem so afraid of children? They are awesome.”

This is often said to me, especially when my big pregnant self is carrying a toddler twin on each hip!  (Mama Birth, I don’t have a Suburban; thankfully, a very practical Honda Odyssey!)

Here are a few more in my own voice:

Random persons: “Oh, you’re really carrying high.”

My responses:  (1) “Not really – here are my hip bones.” (2) “Really?  I haven’t thought about it.”

What I’m thinking: “That’s the last freaking thing I need to hear because what I do hear (it’s that small little nasty voice) is ‘yeah, the baby will never drop, never engage, never descend, mwhahaahahaaaa!‘”

Random persons (with my twin pregnancy): “Wow, you’re smaaaaallll for carrying twins!”

37.5 weeks with the twins

My response: “Huh, thanks?”

What I’m thinking: “I imagine she thinks that’s a compliment, but I don’t really appreciate having my twin pregnancy minimized.  I’m friggin’ huge but thankfully handle it well.”

Random persons (with my current singleton pregnancy): “Wow, you’re biiiiiiiiiiiiig!”

27weeks

My response: “Well, most women look bigger sooner when they’ve been pregnant before.”

35 weeks

What I’m thinking: “Eff you I do not either!!  I look fantastic!!!”  I also then think that people shouldn’t ever make comments about how big or small they think you are for whatever stage of pregnancy you’re in.

Various friends: “You’re not going to the hospital?  Wow, you’re brave!”

My response: “Hmm, well I think women who go to the hospital are brave.”

What I’m thinking: Unfortunately, most women take it for granted that they’ll be safe in the hospital and that their births will go normally.  I’m thinking that women don’t really consider their choice of birth venue as seriously as they should.  In my town, low risk women have access to a regional hospital (with a cesarean rate reflective of the national trend), a birth center (run by a CNM), and home birth.  Do women really know the pluses and minuses of each of these birth venues?

Random & Non-Random people: “Well, my baby would have died if we hadn’t been in the hospital because he/she was in distress!”

My response: “Wow, I’m sure that was really scary!”

My thoughts:  Normal, physiologic birth usually (sure, not always) does not lead to distressed babies.  When someone tells me their babies were in distress, I immediately wonder if they had: (1) AROM? (2) non-medically indicated induction? (3) non-medically indicated augmentation of labor? (4) epidural (which most hospital births involve epidurals).  We all usually study the “cascade of interventions” in childbirth education classes, but in the heat of the moment, lots of us forget that information and do whatever is required of or recommended to us.

These are a few of the random and usually not appreciated comments directed at me when I’m pregnant.  What are yours?

Stressed: Woulda Shoulda Coulda

Shoulda:  One of my strongest feelings from DD’s birth in 2004 is that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital.  When my husband started to nag me about getting to the hospital (I was severely dehydrated, and he wanted to take me in to get that treated), I thought, “I couldn’t possibly leave my house right now.”  Somehow I did get in the car and didn’t puke or poop myself on the way to the hospital.  The minute I got there, I *needed* a wheelchair.  I was sick. 

I wasn’t treated for illness.  I was treated for childbirth.

I should have hired a doula.  I thought I was “safe” because I was being attended by a CNM.  I should have reminded her that my birth plan stated no artificial rupture of membranes.  I should have insisted on changing positions even though I was peeing out my butt.  What shouldas are ahead?

Coulda:  I could have told my DH no, I suppose.  I certainly could have told my CNM to go jump when she suggested breaking my water.  What sorts of couldas are ahead?

Woulda:  Had I a “do over,” I’d have stayed put.  Or I would have refused AROM.  I would have changed positions while laboring and for pushing.  I would not have purple pushed.  Not gonna do that again.  Thinking too much about future wouldas is overwhelming.  Let’s not go there.

Woulda shoulda coulda is that much more stressful when you aren’t given options.  I’m not supposed to give birth to twins at home.  That’s risky.  I’m supposed to want to give birth at the hospital.  That’s safe.  Yeah, hospital birth is so safe for American women and their babies that our infant mortality rate ties Poland and Slovakia.