Aimless

I hardly know what to do with myself.  My normal internet activities have been disrupted by my miscarriage, and I find myself wondering what I’m supposed to be doing when I get onto the internet.

I can’t visit my “December Darlings” because they have what I don’t – growing families.  That may seem strange and selfish, but I just can’t deal with seeing the absolutely adorable pictures of my friends’ children.

I can’t even visit the main ICAN list . . . too many pregnant women there.  Too many women worried about their upcoming birth experiences, something I certainly can’t relate too right now.  Plus there’s the issue of having been told that my effing scar is too thin to attempt a VBAC.  (I haven’t had my follow-up with the OB yet to find out how she decided my fate for me.)  How am I supposed to encourage women to VBAC when I’ve now been given this news?  If my scar (which from the outside looks like nothing) can’t be trusted then how can I tell other women to trust their scars?  I feel like a hack.

I can’t visit Mothering’s forums, MDC.  I did today, but it’s been two weeks since I’ve been over there.  And today seeing the signatures of women whose pregnancies weren’t as far along as mine when I lost my baby . . . aaaa, it really stings.

I’m not in a good place right now.  Not at all.  I don’t feel “healed” in any way.  I’m just more drunk than I was 2 weeks ago.  Wow, that’s something to be proud of . . .