Excited and then NOT

It’s amazing the span of emotion I have experienced this past week regarding my pregnancy.  I love being pregnant – LOVE. IT.  No bones about it.  There is something just so special about carrying a little baby so close to your heart, blossoming over the weeks and months, and feeling those kicks and twists.  I love it all minus the intense pelvic discomfort thanks to SPD.

This week has been bizarre.  Or maybe the last two weeks have been tough.  You’re dealing with stressed out students, stressed out colleagues, too many performances and events to attend, too much grading, and your own life on top of it all.  Then you hit finals week and performance juries, and you’re dealing with stressed out students and being tied down for hours on end, not getting your grading done.

I think I tend to accumulate other people’s stress . . . as if I’m not prone to carrying around plenty of my own?!  And then the doubts start sneaking in.

WHAT IN THE WORLD am I doing having another baby?

If I think I”m stressed out NOW, think about how bad it will be this time NEXT YEAR?

Where are we going to put all of these children, and how are we going to provide for them?

If something is wrong with this pregnancy, it’ll be a blessing in disguise!  (I’m actually disgusted with myself for ever thinking this, especially everything I’ve been through in the past years.)

I’ve been reading blogs and birth stories this morning, and I’ve found my excitement again.  Thank goodness for that.

I have an OB appointment tomorrow, and I’m counting on hearing a beautiful strong heartbeat.  My husband can’t go with me, so I’m a bit nervous.  Until I start feeling movement, I just have to trust that everything is ok.  That’s tough, especially when you’ve had a late loss.

I’ll have an update tomorrow, I’m sure.

Pregnancy Depression? Anxiety? Stress?

I am in my 9th week of pregnancy when calculated from my LMP.  This is still a vulnerable time for me even though I have passed both miscarriage dates/points and am visibly pregnant.  I still worry every day about the health of this baby and if I might yet lose it.  Perhaps my fears are irrational, but they are real – they are with me – and I am certain that in part they are driven by hormones.

What else is hormonally driven is my mood, for lack of a better term.  I am prone to tearfulness, exasperation, anger, and the like.  I’m feeling quite emotionally volatile, and I’m having a difficult time maintaining an even, positive disposition at work.  A student or two comes unprepared for lessons and I read them the riot act.  Do they deserve it?  Hell yeah, but I’d probably be less likely to throw down the law were I not so emotionally sensitive right now.  Today I show up for a faculty meeting, and my colleague’s face is all twisted and sour.  My other colleague and I can tell that she’s pissed off about something, but instead of telling us which one has offended her, she just spends an hour giving dirty looks and being sour.  I must admit that my entire day has been thrown off.  This colleague has been so NASTY and ANGRY lately, and it’s really affecting my quality of “life” at work.  I am in such a bad spot emotionally today that I went home at 11:00am, cancelling two students’ lessons (which I hate hate hate to do).  I was on the verge of tears in front of my 11:00 student which added to my anger.

I suffer from depression on a regular basis.  I have, what was diagnosed a number of years ago, chronic mild depression.  Even though I am pregnant, I am still on a decreased dose of depression medication.  So, I am not surprised that my depression and anxiety may be exacerbated at times.  Look what I found today via google alerts:

A whole year, including pregnancy, childbirth and time after childbirth – is time of big psychological and physical changes. Women need both emotional and physical support during this period.

During pregnancy women can experience quick mood swings that are caused not only by hormonal changes, but also physical and psychic transformations. During pregnancy women can experience depression more often. However, this mostly depends on emotional importance they attach to pregnancy, their attitude to change of shapes, care of themselves during whole period of pregnancy.

The rest of the article doesn’t really apply to me so much, but if you’d like to read 6 ways of prevention for pregnancy depression, click here.  I was so glad to find that paragraph today of all days when I am feeling so low and worthless and anxious and depressed that I can’t even function at work.  I share this in case someone else ever feels the same way when pregnant and trying to balance personal and professional demands.