Blog it out: 38 week OB appointment

As I get ready for my 38 week OB appointment tomorrow, I feel the need to just ‘blog it out.’  Ya know . . . as a way to relieve some tension and stress from last week’s appointment.  I’m maintaining ‘shadow care’ with the only OB I know in town who would ‘tolerate’ babysitting an ill-advised VBA2C in the hospital.  Only thing – I’m not planning on going to the hospital.  However, I’ve been encouraged to keep up this disingenuous relationship just in case I do need to transfer during or following the birth.

I blogged last week about his ridiculous statement that “short, Mexican women” have the best births.  Here are some of his other de-motivating tactics:

Sketch by American artist, Ben Murphy

  • “So . . . we still doing this?”  He likes to begin my appointments with this rhetorical question.  He knows the answer, but yet, he continues to ask.
  • “You’re not gaining weight but you have a BIG BABY.”  Such bullshit.  He doesn’t share my fundal measurements with me, but I know I have been and continue to measure ‘right on’ each week.
  • “When you have a bad outcome, ________.”  He’s filled in the blank with a variety of scary things.
  • “When you need a cesarean, you can’t freak out on me.”  I told him that was way too much for him to expect.
  • I have to have a perfect Friedman’s labor.
  • CEFM, IV, yada yada.  Ok, whatever.  I’ll agree to the monitoring assuming they have telemetry.  I’ll consent to heplock but not an active IV.
  • As soon as I’m in labor, I’m to go directly to L&D.  (Yeah, right, doc.  I’ll do that.)
  • I asked him why my rupture risk is increased since they went through the old cesarean scar.  His response: “Because it just is.”  My response: “Come on, you know that’s not a good enough answer for me!”
  • When I told him that I gestate longer than 40 weeks, he said “that’s bad!”
  • Doesn’t believe vaginal delivery is best for healthy babies (?!?!?!?!!!!!)
  • Places VBAC in the “want” not need category, though he seems to understand that I have my reasons
  • Doesn’t seem to believe that the pelvis expands during pregnancy and birth?  The only way to get more room would be to break my pelvis (not that he was suggesting that route).  Does he not ‘get’ the physiology of birth?  Does he not understand the role of hormones in preparing the body to birth??
  • Seems to consider 37 weeks as term . . . not early term as I suggested.  (A newly released NIH study asserts that babies born in the 37th and 38th weeks are more likely to die before age 1 than babies born in the 39th and 40th weeks.)
  • “You know I’d prefer not to do this.”  In response to my objections over having him and an anesthesiologist breathing down my neck during my entire labor and birth.  Which is a mis-representation anyway of what would actually happen.  If I’m in labor during the day, he can continue seeing his patients.  If I’m in labor at night, he’s welcome to go sleep somewhere in the hospital or at his office.  And our hospital has 24-hr anesthesia immediately available, so he shouldn’t be guilting me about an anesthesiologist having to be there for my labor.  If a hospital isn’t safe for a VBAC . . . . it’s not safe for any birth.

Wow, when I write all of that down, I just get angry.  I’m going to crawl under the covers with my Hypnobabies tracks, strengthen my bubble of peace, work on fear cleansing, listen to my pregnancy affirmations, and call it a day.  My husband will go with me tomorrow to my appointment, so I imagine it will be uneventful.  I have a mind to bring in my “birth preferences” just to see how the doc would react, but really . . . is it worth it?  Probably not.  At this point, I’m no longer interested in his opinion because he continues to skew the ‘truth.’  I don’t want to argue about laboring in water or delayed cord clamping or any of it.

Point is – I’m not going to the hospital to have this baby unless the need arises before, during, or after the birth.  I fully recognize that at any point between now and my birthing time, that I may need hospital services.  My husband and I will decide if we agree with recommendations to abort our homebirth plans.  Otherwise, I’m not planning on needing the hospital or an obstetrician.  So the last thing I want to do tomorrow morning is have an off-putting, destabilizing, stress-inducing discussion with someone who begrudgingly is putting up with my wingnut idea to have a natural birth but very vocal about what all “will” go wrong.

You can read my last pregnancy update (34 weeks) here.

Pissed! but Accepting?

Wednesday was a banner shite day.  My midwife had been encouraging me to maintain a relationship with an OB, and I knew this necessitated a change.  Friends and L&D nurses urged me to try this one doc, Dr. A (we shall call him), stating that if anyone was going to give me a chance at VBA2C, it would be him.

So, I naively went to my 9:50am interview/appointment with Dr. A.  I was nervous – didn’t really sleep the night before – but hopeful.  The staff was very nice; the nurse was nice.  (I had previously talked with her.)  I had previously met this doc, so at least I wasn’t worried about that.

He was interested to know why I was there since obviously I had been seeing another OB for the 1st three-quarters of my pregnancy.  I told him I had 4 reasons:

  1. I am very motivated for a VBA2C

He interrupts . . . “Don’t do it.”  Shaking head.  Patronizing tone.

I cry.

The rest of the appointment was him trying to scare me out of it, and by the time I told him I’d been diagnosed with a thin lower uterine segment (LUS) during the RCS, he was certain that I am a nut.  Actually, he recognized that I had done a lot of thinking and researching, but he didn’t think I had given enough thought to permanent damage to the baby and permanent damage to me.  (Like, DUH!  What else have I been thinking about the past 7 months.  FFS!!!!!!!)

What was scary is that he’s familiar with the same research I’ve studied.  He mentioned the Cochrane library.  He refuted the opinion of the NIH VBAC Consensus Panel (because most of them don’t deliver babies).  The research doesn’t point to maternal death from uterine rupture but he’s seen it.  Fetal demise begins within 8 minutes of the onset of bradycardia associated with rupture which is too short a time to get a cesarean performed.  Yada yada.

Terrifying.  And I’ve done my research.  I’ve been researching this since 2007.  I have a PhD.  I have fantastic research and analytical skills.  And I was still terrified.  And I still doubted myself, my support system, everything.  And I resented my baby.

And I freaked the hell out.  Couldn’t go to work. 

So, you probably see the “pissed” part.

Here’s the “accepting” part.

Of course he’s going to do “his job” and dissuade me from VBA2C.  In his experience, it’s too  risky to justify.  He’s not going to understand why I disagree.  I’ll never be able to “educate” him here either.  When I don’t rupture and have this baby at home without incident, he’ll assume I got lucky.  I accept that he views birth with a completely different lense.

However, he’s agreed to take me and said he won’t drop me either even if I go forward with the VBAC.  He’d rather babysit me through this poor choice than turn me away.  I’ll have to sign an AMA (against medical advice) waiver just to cover his butt.  Fine; whatever.  So, for now . . . I’m planning to continue my concurrent care with him.  If it becomes a regular thing for him to try and terrorize me, then I’ll drop him.

Although he really shook me to the core on Wednesday, thanks to the amazing support of ICAN and Birth After Cesarean, I’m back on track and actually feeling more solid about my birth plans.  I just don’t “see” the hospital figuring into this experience.  Perhaps God or my baby or some 6th sense will change things, but for now, I’m back to planning a peaceful birth at home.

Thinking Through Birth

You may be surprised to discover that I’m pregnant again!  I’m due in late June or early July 2011, and this means that I’ll have three babies under the age of 2.  I’m excited and terrified, let me tell you.

I’ve been back on the ICAN yahoo list, the ICAN forums, and Mothering’s forums getting back into the swing of things.  This has forced me to really look at my birth experiences, my fears, and my hopes for this future baby’s entrance into the world.  It’s quite uncomfortable.  I’m a huge fence sitter.  Which means that I do poorly on multiple choice tests.  Which means that I can see both sides of political situations and most conflicts.  Which means that I am afraid to let go of the medical birth model that I claim to so strongly resist.

Why wouldn’t I be afraid.  My first birth ended with medical interventions and a cesarean.  I suffered three consecutive losses that couldn’t really be explained until I saw a specialist.  I naturally conceived twins and had to have early pregnancy supplemented with hormones which led to other interventions.  I was risked out of homebirth.  My OB was in love with his ultrasound machine which means that I had a ton of baby pictures.  I didn’t really have a viable choice for homebirth care.

Even this pregnancy has been medically supervised and supplemented beyond the norm.  First trimester progesterone supplementation and already two ultrasounds to check viability and growth.  How am I going to sever this link?  Even though I am planning a home birth, I am now so used to medical intervention, that I’m having a hard time ripping off the bandaid, so to speak.

Here is the link  to the twins’ birth story for anyone interested in reading it.  It’s not terribly thorough, but I guess that’s because what can I say about it really?  I had double footling breech twins which was a no go for vaginal birth at the hospital.  (Twins and breech are not in the scope of practice for homebirth midwives in MT.)  So, I got cut.  It sucked.  Recovery was long.

What I’m noticing this time around is how many women are UCing their twins, even breech twins.  I was not brave enough for that even though I talked as thought I could be.  Honestly, I didn’t see how I could be prepared to UBAC twins, and I didn’t want to put that kind of pressure on myself or my husband.  I think it’s a real failure of the “system” that I couldn’t be attended by a capable midwife at home.

These stories are great to read and make me feel so much better about my own plans to HBA2C, but they also make me sad.  It’s another slice of the knife reading that other women successfully birth breech twins in the comfort of their own homes.  My good ICAN friend, L, rightly challenged me on my belief that I had no choice.  These stories are proof of this.

But then I think back on the fear mongering . . . the claim that my lower uterine segment is too thin at the end of pregnancy to VBAC safely.  And I think of the statistically significant higher rupture rate with VBAmC – why wouldn’t it be higher for VBAmC than it is for VBA1C?  Considering how many bizarre statistics have applied to me during my childbearing years, the fear flag is raised regarding my potential to rupture.

And then I remember that the risks of repeat cesarean and the risks of serious complications with a VBA2C are about even.  And I realize that it’d be hard for me to have a successful VBAC at the hospital even if there was a provider who would attend me, which there isn’t.  And I think about my recent conversation with my family practice doctor who reminded me that my midwife will transfer me to the hospital if anything goes wrong, and that emotionally/mentally it would be hard for me to be successful to birth normally in a hospital setting.

So this is the snapshot of where I am right now with it all.  And in case you’re curious, here’s my current reading list:

And I’ve placed holds on a couple of Ina May Gaskin books to read during my winter break.  I’ll also review Simkin’s The Birth Partner.