What Can I Say?

I am so out of the loop when it comes to anything having to do with reproduction these days.  I’m not in the loop . . . I’m not in the outskirts or the suburbs.  I’m off the grid.  However, a new comment on my ever “popular” miscarriage and hormones post made me feel compelled to post an update.

Random thoughts about life, birth, and the like . . .

  • My 1/2 acre yard and gardens are in disastrous condition, but I did plant some annuals today; that made me happy!
  • My husband is getting ready to add a second floor to our house – his company is called Aria Construction, and they do fantastic high-end work
  • My youngest is now almost 11 months – I still want to smash her into 0-3 mo. clothes…
  • The twins will be 3 in August, and they are such a joy and such a torment.  I still can’t believe they are mine!!
  • My oldest, age 7, had a stupidly horrible time in 1st grade.  Here’s hoping for rest and recovery this summer and a better experience in 2nd grade.
  • No, I’ve still not written my birth story from July 12, 2011 . . . what’s the hang-up?  Well, I still have issues with G’s birth and with a local care provider.  That’s part of it, I’m sure.

Am I recovered from my birth losses?

Yes and no . . . those losses, in a way, made these last three children possible.  However, I still feel an emptiness that will never go away.

Am I recovered from my birthing losses?

Mostly no.  Physical activity causes the adhesions to hurt.  The unevenness in my lower abdomen (fat layer – scar – fat layer) is something I see and feel every day.  Although my VBA2C was a “success,” I feel quite bitter about the last weeks (from 31 weeks to nearly 42 weeks) of my pregnancy.  From 39 weeks onward, every day was a struggle, emotionally.  The birth was stressful.  I didn’t feel a darned thing and had to be told when and how to push.  I didn’t birth my child, but at least I didn’t have to endure her being cut out of my body.

Birth advocacy . . .

I still feel quite out of sorts about childbirth in Missoula and elsewhere.  Any time I see that someone had a cesarean – primary or repeat – I want to know why.  I wish Missoulians seemed to care more about how they birth their babies.  I feel like people either go the homebirth route and mostly enjoy a rewarding birth experience or people sign up for the slaughter.  I know there are good docs and good nurses out there, but I definitely lack trust.  And people don’t know their rights or don’t care that they have rights or don’t know how to exercise their rights when it comes to their own health care.  Everyone else seems to just mind their own business.  <shrug>  I’m planning a few VBAC Resources and Support sessions this year – wish me luck!

Well, that’s where I am today.  I see that Rixa is blogging about important stuff, of course.  See her latest regarding the Human Rights in Childbirth panel.

Happy Birth Day to Me

Today is my birthday, and I have a lot planned for ugly number 39:

  • Walmart for baby proofing (see photo below) and crafting stuff
  • Finish G’s birth story since she turned 6 months old yesterday
  • Meet a friend and hike “the M” today before the weather turns (hooray, snow!)
  • Bake me a cake (no I don’t mind pampering myself on my birthday)
  • Go to one of my BF’s to celebrate avec family (it may even turn into an overnight par-tay)

    Happy Birthday to Me (aka thank you for not killing yourselves)

My good friend from Birth After Cesarean posted this yesterday on my wall:

Well, who would have thought this past year would bring so much difference for you, woman!

Seriously, this has been an epic year for me.  I happily and healthily grew another blessing.  Against all odds, really . . . I had a successful hospital VBA2C.  I held my ground and refused a cesarean.  I achieved tenure and was promoted at my University.  I performed a solo faculty recital (my recital partner backed out on me a week prior) a mere 2 months post partum!  My hubby and I drove to and from Denver for the holidays with our four young kids (which I consider a HUGE success).  My Dad flew me to Houston to check on my ailing aunt, and I was able to see my mom, brother, SIL, niece, and meet my nephew!  And we ended our childbearing years yesterday with a vasectomy.

It’s crazy to think that my childbearing years are over.  I love pregnancy.  I might even be addicted to pregnancy.  I am jealous of every pregnant woman I see.  And thankfully a part of me is at peace with being done.  But, now I have to face raising these beautiful children that my husband and I conceived.  Some days it’s really really hard to be a good parent . . . to be a minimally acceptable parent.  I never feel like I’m a spectacular parent.  But maybe now that I’m done making, baking, and birthing babies, I can focus on being a better parent?

So, what’s next?  I think I’ll eat a little something and go for my hike.  Guess I’ll have to postpone finishing my birth story until this afternoon while my birthday cake is baking.

After that I’ll continue herding my little flock of kids and herding my big flock of students and loving my husband and my home!

Against All Odds: Gillian, VBA2C

I have neglected to post an announcement about my daughter’s birth.  I was thinking that I would have a birth story ready to post within a few days of her birth, but clearly that is not the case.  Actually, in addition to her birth story, I will be drafting additional posts related to this crazy birth experience and a couple of guest posts for other blogs.  Stay tuned!  For now, here are some stats for your enjoyment, and a picture of my latest love bug.

Gillian, day 2

  • Gillian, born Tuesday, July 12 around 5:30 am
  • 8 lbs, 14 oz
  • 21.5 inches long
  • 15.5 inch head!
  • HARD labor commenced at 7pm on Monday, July 11, about 5 hours after a second dose of castor oil while pumping, at 41w4d gestation, the same day I cancelled the ‘required’ 41.5w cesarean (scheduled for 1:30pm on July 11)
  • About the only thing that was physiologically NORMAL about all of this is that she came out of my vagina and I was not given pitocin (well, not until stage 3)

I must give particular thanks to the women of ICAN and Birth After Cesarean for lifting me up, particularly during the last trimester of this pregnancy.  The last week of my pregnancy was sheer emotional hell, and I wouldn’t have made it through without these networks of amazing women.

Update: 34 weeks

I can’t believe I’m 34 weeks(ish).  This pregnancy is moving sometimes at glacial pace or meteoric speed!  Since I haven’t done an update or a post lately, I thought I’d give an overview of where I’m at.

git out of me belleeee!

I posted this ‘self portrait’ yesterday on Facebook.  It doesn’t give the full effect, but hey, I think it’s cute!

What I’m doing

  • cleaning – yesterday, I lightly organized and fairly thoroughly swept out the nasty garage; it’s really that gross – my friends’ comments on FB kind of embarrassed me…
  • shopping – groceries, plants, flowers, wish lists, baptismal dresses, you name it, I want to shop for it (who am I?)
  • reading – ICAN & BAC lists, twitter, Facebook, blog posts, MDC, pregnancy books, etc.
  • belly dancing!
  • going to appointments – midwife, OB, chiro; I need to take the dog to the vet and I need a haircut too
  • hanging out – with my kids, with good friends!

How I’m feeling

  • tired (gone are the days of sleeping well; hello to daily naps – TG I’m done teaching for the year)
  • restless in an excited and nervous way
  • achy – when I do too much physical activity
  • big
  • sexy
  • energetic in spurts
  • cluttered – still so much to organize here at home before the baby comes; too many birth resources at my disposal
  • anxious
  • ready to get the show on the road!

Pissed! but Accepting?

Wednesday was a banner shite day.  My midwife had been encouraging me to maintain a relationship with an OB, and I knew this necessitated a change.  Friends and L&D nurses urged me to try this one doc, Dr. A (we shall call him), stating that if anyone was going to give me a chance at VBA2C, it would be him.

So, I naively went to my 9:50am interview/appointment with Dr. A.  I was nervous – didn’t really sleep the night before – but hopeful.  The staff was very nice; the nurse was nice.  (I had previously talked with her.)  I had previously met this doc, so at least I wasn’t worried about that.

He was interested to know why I was there since obviously I had been seeing another OB for the 1st three-quarters of my pregnancy.  I told him I had 4 reasons:

  1. I am very motivated for a VBA2C

He interrupts . . . “Don’t do it.”  Shaking head.  Patronizing tone.

I cry.

The rest of the appointment was him trying to scare me out of it, and by the time I told him I’d been diagnosed with a thin lower uterine segment (LUS) during the RCS, he was certain that I am a nut.  Actually, he recognized that I had done a lot of thinking and researching, but he didn’t think I had given enough thought to permanent damage to the baby and permanent damage to me.  (Like, DUH!  What else have I been thinking about the past 7 months.  FFS!!!!!!!)

What was scary is that he’s familiar with the same research I’ve studied.  He mentioned the Cochrane library.  He refuted the opinion of the NIH VBAC Consensus Panel (because most of them don’t deliver babies).  The research doesn’t point to maternal death from uterine rupture but he’s seen it.  Fetal demise begins within 8 minutes of the onset of bradycardia associated with rupture which is too short a time to get a cesarean performed.  Yada yada.

Terrifying.  And I’ve done my research.  I’ve been researching this since 2007.  I have a PhD.  I have fantastic research and analytical skills.  And I was still terrified.  And I still doubted myself, my support system, everything.  And I resented my baby.

And I freaked the hell out.  Couldn’t go to work. 

So, you probably see the “pissed” part.

Here’s the “accepting” part.

Of course he’s going to do “his job” and dissuade me from VBA2C.  In his experience, it’s too  risky to justify.  He’s not going to understand why I disagree.  I’ll never be able to “educate” him here either.  When I don’t rupture and have this baby at home without incident, he’ll assume I got lucky.  I accept that he views birth with a completely different lense.

However, he’s agreed to take me and said he won’t drop me either even if I go forward with the VBAC.  He’d rather babysit me through this poor choice than turn me away.  I’ll have to sign an AMA (against medical advice) waiver just to cover his butt.  Fine; whatever.  So, for now . . . I’m planning to continue my concurrent care with him.  If it becomes a regular thing for him to try and terrorize me, then I’ll drop him.

Although he really shook me to the core on Wednesday, thanks to the amazing support of ICAN and Birth After Cesarean, I’m back on track and actually feeling more solid about my birth plans.  I just don’t “see” the hospital figuring into this experience.  Perhaps God or my baby or some 6th sense will change things, but for now, I’m back to planning a peaceful birth at home.

Cesarean Awareness Month 2011

© Amy Swagman, 2010 -www.themandalajourney.com

© Amy Swagman, 2010 -www.themandalajourney.com

So another year has passed, and I’m back to wondering where we are with our cesarean awareness ‘campain.’  I’m somewhat ‘skirting’ the loop (not really inside or outside of it, just around), so I’m not your most up to date source.  For truly outstanding resources related to cesarean awareness, read Unnecessarean and VBAC facts for starters!

A couple of things that have my attention lately:

  • Our national cesarean rate is staggering, and some predict that by 2020, 1/2 of our births will be done by cesarean.  We must be vigilant!
  • Montana needs a Friends of Montana Midwives group
  • Montana’s cesarean rate is 29% just below the national average.  However, some counties in MT have super high cesarean rates.  Why is that? (Carter County had a 65.4% c/s rate 2005-08 according to the March of Dimes!!!!)
  • Birth activist are working so hard – it’s just awesome!  Thank you to all who are gettin’ it done!!
  • According to Childbirth Connection, “A high-quality, high-value maternity care system is within reach, and childbearing women are the most important stakeholders to drive system change.”  Have a look and see what you can do!
  • Also, through Childbirth Connection, I’ve learned about relevant legislation that has been introduced.  This legislation needs our support!!
  • ICAN is getting ready for the 2011 conference – wish I could be there . . .

Because I’m pregnant I’m in a great position to find out even more about what is being done locally and what still needs work.  I have found – contrary to what my OB told me – that a few OBs will consider VBA2C on a case by case basis.  I have discovered that our only independent birth center, run by a fantastic CNM, does VBACs (even primary!) but not VBAmC.  I have lots of friends who are pregnant these days and have learned a lot about local practices.

Because I’m pregnant with #4 and work a full time job (one that often has me out of town on weekends in the Spring and has me out at night), I haven’t had the time & energy to get more aggressive.  This too shall change, and when it does – LOOK OUT!  ;)

In the meantime . . . what can you do?