Today while I was out and about, I decided to stop by Barnes & Noble for a latte and some reading. I picked up The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth and also browsed through Spiritual Midwifery. I will probably buy the first title when I get back from vacation.
I’ve thought about my first birth experience and “what iffed” myself to death over it. Amazing how pregnancy brings it all back. A couple of “what ifs” on the top of my mind are:
+ What if I hadn’t been sick; would I have had more energy to withstand natural labor?
+ What if my CNM hadn’t broken my water; would my daughter’s position have been better and would she have descended into the birth canal?
+ What if my CBE had discussed the risks of VBAC as viewed from the interventionist side of the aisle; would I have refused the c-section longer?
+ What if I had my daughter at home with a midwife? Would they have been able to manage my sickness, found ways to relieve my pain, helped me get into better birthing positions, encouraged me to move around, or would I still have ended up with a c-section?
I’m thinking that I have a problem with faith. Right now I have little faith in the medical facilities open to me for birthing Baby O2. I have little faith in my body since I failed to deliver naturally last time and have since been told by an OB here that my pelvis is narrow (anterior-posterior). I have little faith that someone from the non-medical perspective can help me with the birth. I am afraid of rupture and of neurological impairment or death of Baby O2. I am new in my community and really don’t know much about how to receive the support I need for my journey. And, unfortunately, the little information I’ve shared with my husband on the risk of VBAC has scared him. One of the first questions he asked was “Are you going to insist on a VBAC?”
Lord help me. Have mercy on me and my growing baby.