I hardly know what to do with myself.  My normal internet activities have been disrupted by my miscarriage, and I find myself wondering what I’m supposed to be doing when I get onto the internet.

I can’t visit my “December Darlings” because they have what I don’t – growing families.  That may seem strange and selfish, but I just can’t deal with seeing the absolutely adorable pictures of my friends’ children.

I can’t even visit the main ICAN list . . . too many pregnant women there.  Too many women worried about their upcoming birth experiences, something I certainly can’t relate too right now.  Plus there’s the issue of having been told that my effing scar is too thin to attempt a VBAC.  (I haven’t had my follow-up with the OB yet to find out how she decided my fate for me.)  How am I supposed to encourage women to VBAC when I’ve now been given this news?  If my scar (which from the outside looks like nothing) can’t be trusted then how can I tell other women to trust their scars?  I feel like a hack.

I can’t visit Mothering’s forums, MDC.  I did today, but it’s been two weeks since I’ve been over there.  And today seeing the signatures of women whose pregnancies weren’t as far along as mine when I lost my baby . . . aaaa, it really stings.

I’m not in a good place right now.  Not at all.  I don’t feel “healed” in any way.  I’m just more drunk than I was 2 weeks ago.  Wow, that’s something to be proud of . . .


12 thoughts on “Aimless

  1. I’ve not told you yet how sorry I am for your loss… I am sorry. 😦

    Your OB told you your scar is too thin? Can I assume you had a double closure? I’m not sure how she can possibly make that determination in a non-pregnant or only a little bit pregnant uterus. There is some evidence to suggest that a third trimester ultrasound measurement of the lower uterine segment may be predictive of increased risk of rupture if it is such and such millimeters or thinner…(I can send you the most recent studies on this if you would like) but I am curious to know how she makes that call when you aren’t in the third trimester.

    E-mail me if you want those studies.
    Warm, healing thoughts to you Mama. There is a glorious VBAC babe waiting for you out there…
    Xx Morag

  2. I don’t know if it helps to hear it, but it will get better, Kimberly. Hang in there, be gentle with yourself and I know you’ll find healing. I’m wishing it for you daily. ((((((HUGS))))))

  3. Here’s the story on the “thin scar” thus far – I had just woken up from general anesthesia, and the OB came by to tell me how things went, but all I remember is her telling me that the scar is too thin and there’s a “divot” so we’ll have to talk about scheduling a repeat cesarean for my next child’s birth. (Great timing; great bedside manner)

    Like I said in my post, my scar looks harmless from the outside. I healed beautifully from the cesarean (2004), hardly have any “over-hang,” have full sensitivity on & around the scar. I do know that the incision was closed with 2 layers.

    How did the OB determine that my scar is too thin? I don’t know this for sure, but given the fact that I am SORE where my scar is located, I’m thinking she put her hand inside my uterus. When a woman is in labor, be it 10 weeks or 42 weeks, OBs should not touch a woman’s scar. The uterus is thin and more succeptible to tearing. Since curretage is a blind procedure, the only way she could have determined that my scar is too thin is by ultrasound or by feeling the scar inside the uterus. 😦

  4. Kimberly…
    I’ve shared with you my journey and I know that it doesn’t help at all to hear that time can change everything, so let’s just leave the cliches.

    this sucks. Aimless is right, and how to find a direction?
    I would suggest accupuncture to you at this point, in the hopes that your fertility and balance can be restored to you, knowing that many women have suggested it to me in the past…but what it all comes down to is that this is a moment of grief and no one knows your grief like you do…take the time to feel it all and remember to be kind ot yourself. Deleting or not reading is just a quick way to keep yourself from more pain than you need to process right now and protecting yourself is the right thing to do…

  5. Kimberly, I’m so sorry. Miscarriage just sucks, sucks, sucks, and the saddness stays with you a lot longer than one would like. I had a miscarriage about 18 months ago and it was so incredibly painful. I really hope that your scar is ‘thick enough’ to VBAC. What a horrible double blow. Take the time you need. I don’t know if you would find comfort in something I wrote 3 months after my miscarriage, when the pain was still so raw and close to my heart, but I’ll share it in case…
    Sending you HUGE cyber hugs!

  6. Kimberly- I just wanted to tell you I’m thinking about you, and I understand why you haven’t been around the DD board. As much as we want to help you heal, there really is not much we can do but be there when you are ready to talk, and send you our prayers for some kind of comfort. I’m really sad to hear about your scar, I know how important it is for you to VBAC. Sending you my love and energy. xo

  7. I am sorry for your loss and as I write that I know that those words dont do much good. I am a miscarriage survivor and remember the emotional pain- its been almost a year since mine. I have since had a child but still remember. There is a group in my area- MENDS- that you migth google and see what you have where you are.

    On the VBAC- I would say pick another OB if she doesnt think she did a good enough job on the sutures for them to hold through a VBAC. And I would tell her so. That is a lame excuse. You are probably vulnerable right now- dont fall for the “scar’s no good” excuse. No way she can know until you try unless she knows she isnt a good surgeon, in which case maybe she shouldnt be cutting people up.

    Best wishes and hang in there. it will get easier.

  8. Ann,
    Thank you for your comment. This was NOT the OB that did the surgery. My cesarean was in IN in 2004 – excellent surgeon! Regardless, this current OB is not a careprovider that I will continue with. She refused my request at 5-6w for progesterone and hcg testing, and now after losing this baby, I need to find a more thorough and supportive provider.
    I will look for information on MENDS. Thanks for passing that along.
    ~ Kimberly

  9. Kimberly,

    Second opinions – worth their weight in gold. I don’t know much about VBAC’s, but it’s possible that this doctor doesn’t either… You are wise to continue looking for a provider who will listen to you and work with your personal health goals.

    Even if (IF) you aren’t able to have a VBAC, that doesn’t make you a hack for encouraging and promoting it for other women. It makes you a brave, passionate woman, willing to speak out for something she believes in.

    You’re doing some amazing work, and our community is lucky to have you here as a voice. So often the only talking we hear is from the doctors’ perspective, and women need to know that they have other options. As a professional I will certainly telling women about ICAN!

  10. Yep, it sounds as though she palpated your scar (and likely the rest of your uterus) after the curettage. If you haven’t already, get a copy of the surgical notes from the procedure. This comment is far enough ‘out there’ to make me wonder if she didn’t suspect she may have inflicted said ‘divot’ during the procedure. If in fact it was there at all. Not the nicest conclusion to jump to, but maybe worth considering.

    I’m still deeply suspicious of this diagnosis in the absence of a term pregnancy. I’m still not sure how she can say that this was the case. I agree with Mandi: find thee a good VBAC supportive doc (I have to believe they are still out there!) and get a second opinion. Then find a lovely midwife. 🙂
    Best, Morag.

  11. Hi there Kimberly –

    Like I said on my blog, I feel under qualified, but, for what it’s worth: I am SO sorry that you are going through this. I HAVE been reading your blog, but am always left speechless. I cannot imagine the pain and grief of miscarriage, or the hurt, frustration, and angst of being faced with the ‘thin scar’ prognosis.

    I only hope (and pray, sorry, I’m that type) that you find healing and are able to work through this.

  12. I really think you need to treat what this OB said with a big grain of salt. Not disregard it entirely…..just view it with a healthy dose of dubiousness.

    I also wondered what Morag wondered….whether this dr *caused* a “divot” when she palpated the scar or in doing the curettage. No way to know for sure, but I’d definitely get the records and take a look at them.

    If you choose to conceive again, you might want to find a dr or midwife who will test progesterone levels and be willing to treat for them if needed. Research is mixed on this, but anecdotally I know an awful lot of women who seemed helped by progesterone supplementation. To refuse to even test levels seems very short-sighted to me…..but there are providers who will do that for you, so seek one of those out next time.

    I also agree with the acupuncture idea. It can be a great self-care idea, and if there is a hormonal imbalance, sometimes acupuncture can help with that. Just be sure to find a good one, someone who specializes in fertility and women’s issues, etc.

    If you become pregnant, you can consider an ultrasound near term to check on the scar, if that is something that would make you feel better. Although I doubt its usefulness in routinely predicting scar strength, in certain circumstances it might be useful…..for example, ruling out (or not) a pre-existing defect in the scar. Now, that said, I’d want to read a lot more about its use for that and talk with an expert ultrasonographer about its use for that before doing it…..but if it would give you some peace of mind or reassurance at all, then it might be worth at least investigating it further.

    HUGS to you…….I’m so sorry you are going through all this. As others have said, grieve on your own timeline and in your own way. And really consider what you can do for loving self-care right now.


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