Why has today been such a tough day? I really can’t explain why I am so down in the dumps. I think there are enough “reasons,” but I must not give in to them.
This morning I woke up somewhat disoriented because DH’s alarm clock is CRAZY. So, I thought I was already late for the brunch we scheduled with friends, and somehow that set the tone for the rest of the day. On our way to our friends’ home we stopped at a local bakery. I ran into a midwife/herbalist who had been helping me before her mother fell ill. It was the first time we had talked since my miscarriage. That continued to establish the tone for the rest of the day.
We proceed onward to our friends’ home. These are our best friends in town. My girlfriend is now 11 weeks pregnant, and it’s really really tough. Of course I am thrilled for her and relieved that all is well with her pregnancy. But I’m also mad as hell. It’s a hard place to be – for both her and me. We had invited another couple to brunch who are considering a move to our town. They have 2 kids, so of course there was lots of talk about kid-related issues, and my friend’s pregnancy, and whether or not we were going to have another baby.
I had a good conversation today with a friend of mine who has been down a different but no less significant miscarriage path. She forwarded some threads to me that she thought would be helpful. I decided to put them off until later.
We returned home from brunch and all decided to nap. I couldn’t. My brain started processing MISCARRIAGE MISCARRIAGE MISCARRIAGE again. It wouldn’t stop. My heart was breaking all over again right there in the bed where my DH & I have tried and hoped for three babies. We were planning our upcoming homebirth just days before my last miscarriage. We believed. We trusted. We were deceived.
I went upstairs to my computer to work on some outstanding projects. Instead, I turned to the multiple miscarriage threads that my friend recommended. I was quickly overwhelmed. I am meeting with a different OB (one who spends 2 days a week seeing fertility patients) on Tuesday. I am starting to panic. There is so much that can contribute to recurrent miscarriage that is not easily found. It’s also quite possible that no definite cause will be found. Then what do I do.
I cried. I cried more than I’ve hardly allowed myself in the past 6 weeks. Tears were streaming but I was silent. Don’t want to wake up my slumbering family. And what might happen if I actually let loose? I’m terrified to go there.
I stepped into a nastly little debate on-line today about whether or not women who have had cesareans have actually given birth. It grieves me that women can be so mentally and emotionally damaged from their childbirth experiences, and while I am empathetic, I can’t relate. Especially not on a day like today when I have been reminded over and over again that other people get pregnant and carry babies to term just fine. No, cesarean surgery is NOT an optimal way – even when a life-saving mechanism – to have a baby. But I’d take another cesarean over the madness and hell I’ve been in for the better part of a year.
I feel like I am starting to lose ground. Perhaps this upcoming visit to the OB is stressing me out. Perhaps my professionally-insane April is starting to weigh on me already. Perhaps being behind on so many projects has more than caught up to me. Perhaps I’m starting into a new phase of grieving. Perhaps I’m afraid to get over these losses. But one thing is for certain: I am not who I want to be right now.