Flashbacks

2007 – 2008 were really tough years.  I suffered three consecutive pregnancy losses.  I nearly lost myself.  I look back on those years and shudder.

I was driving down the road the other day and couldn’t get these losses out of my mind.  I gave birth to twin girls in August 2009, but this doesn’t mean that I don’t still grieve for those lost souls.  Ugh, I don’t like thinking about it.

Perhaps these losses are on my mind because I had that evil Mirena IUD taken out last month.  My cycle has returned.  I had my first real menses since 2008.  The blood reminds me of all I have lost and all I have gained.

I’ve just ovulated.  The lovely CM and pains of mittelschmerz remind me of all I could lose and all I could gain.

My heart craves another child.  My body begs to be useful . . . and to be complete . . . and to bring my childbearing years full circle in the comfort of my own home with my husband and perhaps a midwife or doula.

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2 responses to “Flashbacks

  1. Just my own thoughts. But I won’t. Personally, I can’t go through this all again, the worry, another pregnancy, and the question if I can actually give birth naturally. And in my case age is a factor too.

  2. I just made it to my 25th week and still can only think about how I almost lost my baby at 8 weeks. I work in a sometimes violent setting and an incident there was the reason I almost miscarried. I still work at the same place-not that I want to, I have not been able to find a new job. My employer has not been very helpful. Everytime an arguement starts, I have flashbacks of that night bright red blood came rushing out of me like a waterfall. The helplessness I felt when the emergency room doctors said there is nothing they can do. I wish I could just quit but there are too many bills. My fiance’ is doing the best he can. I feel guilt as I am putting my baby at risk by staying there, but I don’t know what else to do. Another incident happened and I made sure I was out of the way. I was then told I should have helped restrain a lady who was out of control. I’m angry at my employer and am going to ask yet again for a transfer or a plan where I can feel safe. I plan on contacting my local civil rights office to get more information on my rights. I’ve been trying for this baby for 2 years. I wish I could have enjoyed being pregnant. I have so much guilt as I think how this stress could be affecting my unborn child.

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