Excited and then NOT

It’s amazing the span of emotion I have experienced this past week regarding my pregnancy.  I love being pregnant – LOVE. IT.  No bones about it.  There is something just so special about carrying a little baby so close to your heart, blossoming over the weeks and months, and feeling those kicks and twists.  I love it all minus the intense pelvic discomfort thanks to SPD.

This week has been bizarre.  Or maybe the last two weeks have been tough.  You’re dealing with stressed out students, stressed out colleagues, too many performances and events to attend, too much grading, and your own life on top of it all.  Then you hit finals week and performance juries, and you’re dealing with stressed out students and being tied down for hours on end, not getting your grading done.

I think I tend to accumulate other people’s stress . . . as if I’m not prone to carrying around plenty of my own?!  And then the doubts start sneaking in.

WHAT IN THE WORLD am I doing having another baby?

If I think I”m stressed out NOW, think about how bad it will be this time NEXT YEAR?

Where are we going to put all of these children, and how are we going to provide for them?

If something is wrong with this pregnancy, it’ll be a blessing in disguise!  (I’m actually disgusted with myself for ever thinking this, especially everything I’ve been through in the past years.)

I’ve been reading blogs and birth stories this morning, and I’ve found my excitement again.  Thank goodness for that.

I have an OB appointment tomorrow, and I’m counting on hearing a beautiful strong heartbeat.  My husband can’t go with me, so I’m a bit nervous.  Until I start feeling movement, I just have to trust that everything is ok.  That’s tough, especially when you’ve had a late loss.

I’ll have an update tomorrow, I’m sure.


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