image by Ixionx
Man, nothing like a really bad flu bug to just knock your butt down. I feel miserable. It started with soft palate irritation and has resulted in me being in bed for 2 days. I finally took some extra strength Tylenol today, so I’m less achy, but I’m coughing and congested and my head hurts. I FEEL TERRIBLE! And I’m cuh-RABB-y!!!!! (Yes, I know I’m *only* 38+ weeks.)
This is the last thing I need right now when I’m feeling the pressure to get out and walk, have ‘relations’ with my husband, do lots of deep squatting, and other things to remind my body that it wants to go into labor. Really, it does! (Yes, I know I’m *only* 38+ weeks.)
My 38 week appointment with Mr. Dr. Hyde was uneventful. He wanted to check my cervix, and he confirmed what I already knew – that my cervix was posterior and closed up like a little clam. Since then, I’ve been contracting more, I guess, but nothing spectacular or indicative of immanent labor. (Yes, I know I’m *only* 38+ weeks.)
Last night I had a horrid dream about my baby not only kicking her way out of my uterus but out the side of my gut. In my dream I start screaming for my mom to call 911 and then pass out . . . and that’s when I woke up. I know it was just a dream and that it doesn’t mean anything, but pairing that with being sick has just deflated me. Now all of a sudden, I can’t imagine lasting in labor. Not only that, I don’t want to be in pain, and I sure as hell don’t want to in pain for hours and hours. Maybe I’ve watched too many YouTube birth clips as I’ve laid here in agony? (Yes, I know I’m *only* 38+ weeks.)
My amazing husband – he said to think of what I’d be telling any woman at 38-39 weeks pregnant who is losing steam and gaining doubt. He says such fantastic things about birth and trust and intuition; I’m not sure he recognizes how wonderful he is. All I know is that he’s talked me down off of several ledges. I’m not quite off the edge this evening, but maybe once I get to feeling better, I’ll regain my trust and faith in myself and in the amazing process God designed for me, my body, and my baby.
I decided to blog about my OB, Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde, over at My Best Birth. Here’s an excerpt:
So, I arrive this morning with my husband. After the nurse weighs me and takes my blood pressure, she tells me to unclothe waist-down. I then notice the ultrasound machine right by the bed. “Uh oh,” I think. Compliant-patient side of me agrees to undress (though I know my cervix is still high and posterior). Not-gonna-comply-patient will not agree to an ultrasound!
This week, instead of having a big baby, I have “not a very big baby” (based on external palpation) . . . “maybe 6 6.5 pounds right now.” I’m measuring “right on” (which he didn’t say last week). Everything looks good. No worries. Who is this guy!? So, a very straight-forward appointment with Dr. Hyde this week. At this point, I am planning on keeping my 39 week appointment, just so he doesn’t get suspicious of anything. Suspicious of what, you might wonder?
To read the entire post, click here.
As I get ready for my 38 week OB appointment tomorrow, I feel the need to just ‘blog it out.’ Ya know . . . as a way to relieve some tension and stress from last week’s appointment. I’m maintaining ‘shadow care’ with the only OB I know in town who would ‘tolerate’ babysitting an ill-advised VBA2C in the hospital. Only thing – I’m not planning on going to the hospital. However, I’ve been encouraged to keep up this disingenuous relationship just in case I do need to transfer during or following the birth.
I blogged last week about his ridiculous statement that “short, Mexican women” have the best births. Here are some of his other de-motivating tactics:
Sketch by American artist, Ben Murphy
- “So . . . we still doing this?” He likes to begin my appointments with this rhetorical question. He knows the answer, but yet, he continues to ask.
- “You’re not gaining weight but you have a BIG BABY.” Such bullshit. He doesn’t share my fundal measurements with me, but I know I have been and continue to measure ‘right on’ each week.
- “When you have a bad outcome, ________.” He’s filled in the blank with a variety of scary things.
- “When you need a cesarean, you can’t freak out on me.” I told him that was way too much for him to expect.
- I have to have a perfect Friedman’s labor.
- CEFM, IV, yada yada. Ok, whatever. I’ll agree to the monitoring assuming they have telemetry. I’ll consent to heplock but not an active IV.
- As soon as I’m in labor, I’m to go directly to L&D. (Yeah, right, doc. I’ll do that.)
- I asked him why my rupture risk is increased since they went through the old cesarean scar. His response: “Because it just is.” My response: “Come on, you know that’s not a good enough answer for me!”
- When I told him that I gestate longer than 40 weeks, he said “that’s bad!”
- Doesn’t believe vaginal delivery is best for healthy babies (?!?!?!?!!!!!)
- Places VBAC in the “want” not need category, though he seems to understand that I have my reasons
- Doesn’t seem to believe that the pelvis expands during pregnancy and birth? The only way to get more room would be to break my pelvis (not that he was suggesting that route). Does he not ‘get’ the physiology of birth? Does he not understand the role of hormones in preparing the body to birth??
- Seems to consider 37 weeks as term . . . not early term as I suggested. (A newly released NIH study asserts that babies born in the 37th and 38th weeks are more likely to die before age 1 than babies born in the 39th and 40th weeks.)
- “You know I’d prefer not to do this.” In response to my objections over having him and an anesthesiologist breathing down my neck during my entire labor and birth. Which is a mis-representation anyway of what would actually happen. If I’m in labor during the day, he can continue seeing his patients. If I’m in labor at night, he’s welcome to go sleep somewhere in the hospital or at his office. And our hospital has 24-hr anesthesia immediately available, so he shouldn’t be guilting me about an anesthesiologist having to be there for my labor. If a hospital isn’t safe for a VBAC . . . . it’s not safe for any birth.
Wow, when I write all of that down, I just get angry. I’m going to crawl under the covers with my Hypnobabies tracks, strengthen my bubble of peace, work on fear cleansing, listen to my pregnancy affirmations, and call it a day. My husband will go with me tomorrow to my appointment, so I imagine it will be uneventful. I have a mind to bring in my “birth preferences” just to see how the doc would react, but really . . . is it worth it? Probably not. At this point, I’m no longer interested in his opinion because he continues to skew the ‘truth.’ I don’t want to argue about laboring in water or delayed cord clamping or any of it.
Point is – I’m not going to the hospital to have this baby unless the need arises before, during, or after the birth. I fully recognize that at any point between now and my birthing time, that I may need hospital services. My husband and I will decide if we agree with recommendations to abort our homebirth plans. Otherwise, I’m not planning on needing the hospital or an obstetrician. So the last thing I want to do tomorrow morning is have an off-putting, destabilizing, stress-inducing discussion with someone who begrudgingly is putting up with my wingnut idea to have a natural birth but very vocal about what all “will” go wrong.
You can read my last pregnancy update (34 weeks) here.