My OB: Hello Dr. Jeckyll? Or Is It Mr. Hyde?

I decided to blog about my OB, Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde, over at My Best Birth.  Here’s an excerpt:

So, I arrive this morning with my husband.  After the nurse weighs me and takes my blood pressure, she tells me to unclothe waist-down.  I then notice the ultrasound machine right by the bed.  “Uh oh,” I think.  Compliant-patient side of me agrees to undress (though I know my cervix is still high and posterior).  Not-gonna-comply-patient will not agree to an ultrasound!

This week, instead of having a big baby, I have “not a very big baby” (based on external palpation) . . . “maybe 6 6.5 pounds right now.”  I’m measuring “right on” (which he didn’t say last week).  Everything looks good.  No worries.  Who is this guy!?  So, a very straight-forward appointment with Dr. Hyde this week.  At this point, I am planning on keeping my 39 week appointment, just so he doesn’t get suspicious of anything.  Suspicious of what, you might wonder?

To read the entire post, click here.

Update: 34 weeks

I can’t believe I’m 34 weeks(ish).  This pregnancy is moving sometimes at glacial pace or meteoric speed!  Since I haven’t done an update or a post lately, I thought I’d give an overview of where I’m at.

git out of me belleeee!

I posted this ‘self portrait’ yesterday on Facebook.  It doesn’t give the full effect, but hey, I think it’s cute!

What I’m doing

  • cleaning – yesterday, I lightly organized and fairly thoroughly swept out the nasty garage; it’s really that gross – my friends’ comments on FB kind of embarrassed me…
  • shopping – groceries, plants, flowers, wish lists, baptismal dresses, you name it, I want to shop for it (who am I?)
  • reading – ICAN & BAC lists, twitter, Facebook, blog posts, MDC, pregnancy books, etc.
  • belly dancing!
  • going to appointments – midwife, OB, chiro; I need to take the dog to the vet and I need a haircut too
  • hanging out – with my kids, with good friends!

How I’m feeling

  • tired (gone are the days of sleeping well; hello to daily naps – TG I’m done teaching for the year)
  • restless in an excited and nervous way
  • achy – when I do too much physical activity
  • big
  • sexy
  • energetic in spurts
  • cluttered – still so much to organize here at home before the baby comes; too many birth resources at my disposal
  • anxious
  • ready to get the show on the road!

Pissed! but Accepting?

Wednesday was a banner shite day.  My midwife had been encouraging me to maintain a relationship with an OB, and I knew this necessitated a change.  Friends and L&D nurses urged me to try this one doc, Dr. A (we shall call him), stating that if anyone was going to give me a chance at VBA2C, it would be him.

So, I naively went to my 9:50am interview/appointment with Dr. A.  I was nervous – didn’t really sleep the night before – but hopeful.  The staff was very nice; the nurse was nice.  (I had previously talked with her.)  I had previously met this doc, so at least I wasn’t worried about that.

He was interested to know why I was there since obviously I had been seeing another OB for the 1st three-quarters of my pregnancy.  I told him I had 4 reasons:

  1. I am very motivated for a VBA2C

He interrupts . . . “Don’t do it.”  Shaking head.  Patronizing tone.

I cry.

The rest of the appointment was him trying to scare me out of it, and by the time I told him I’d been diagnosed with a thin lower uterine segment (LUS) during the RCS, he was certain that I am a nut.  Actually, he recognized that I had done a lot of thinking and researching, but he didn’t think I had given enough thought to permanent damage to the baby and permanent damage to me.  (Like, DUH!  What else have I been thinking about the past 7 months.  FFS!!!!!!!)

What was scary is that he’s familiar with the same research I’ve studied.  He mentioned the Cochrane library.  He refuted the opinion of the NIH VBAC Consensus Panel (because most of them don’t deliver babies).  The research doesn’t point to maternal death from uterine rupture but he’s seen it.  Fetal demise begins within 8 minutes of the onset of bradycardia associated with rupture which is too short a time to get a cesarean performed.  Yada yada.

Terrifying.  And I’ve done my research.  I’ve been researching this since 2007.  I have a PhD.  I have fantastic research and analytical skills.  And I was still terrified.  And I still doubted myself, my support system, everything.  And I resented my baby.

And I freaked the hell out.  Couldn’t go to work. 

So, you probably see the “pissed” part.

Here’s the “accepting” part.

Of course he’s going to do “his job” and dissuade me from VBA2C.  In his experience, it’s too  risky to justify.  He’s not going to understand why I disagree.  I’ll never be able to “educate” him here either.  When I don’t rupture and have this baby at home without incident, he’ll assume I got lucky.  I accept that he views birth with a completely different lense.

However, he’s agreed to take me and said he won’t drop me either even if I go forward with the VBAC.  He’d rather babysit me through this poor choice than turn me away.  I’ll have to sign an AMA (against medical advice) waiver just to cover his butt.  Fine; whatever.  So, for now . . . I’m planning to continue my concurrent care with him.  If it becomes a regular thing for him to try and terrorize me, then I’ll drop him.

Although he really shook me to the core on Wednesday, thanks to the amazing support of ICAN and Birth After Cesarean, I’m back on track and actually feeling more solid about my birth plans.  I just don’t “see” the hospital figuring into this experience.  Perhaps God or my baby or some 6th sense will change things, but for now, I’m back to planning a peaceful birth at home.

Feeling Overwhelmed . . . hmm

I’m feeling overwhelmed this week.  Icky.

A couple of things have thrown me off my center, perhaps.  Like my good friend’s threatened labor now at 30w gestation.  Like my sister-in-law’s straight-forward CBAC yesterday – don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful, but it’s still affecting me.  Like having to go back to work in less than two weeks – survival mode.  Like all of the projects that I haven’t accomplished this winter break.  Like my birthday coming tomorrow – gross late-30s number!  Like CBA2C vs. VBA2C vs. CBA2C vs. VBA2C and on and on.

Ack.

What do you do when you’re feeling overwhelmed and ineffective?  Any suggestions?  It’s really causing me to stagnate and procrastinate.

It’s not like I’m doing absolutely NOTHING.  It’s just that I feel like I’m hiding in my birth research and stressing about a lot of different things and not actually accomplishing things in a timely fashion.  I just need to break the cycle.  I probably need a to do list – maybe a reward chart?!  Haha!